My broken wrist is healing. The squiggly line showing the fracture goes straight across the head of my radius bone. I have some restricted movement as well as some pain but overall it’s on the mend. Soon I’ll be able to ride my bike not in the aero bars. Not yet but soon.
I’ve almost fully withdrawn off the vicious anti-anxietydrugs. I’m not sure what my new normal is yet though. Some days are good but
others are a struggle. I’m learning how to live as me now, not me on drugs. It’s
weird because it's a difference only I can sense.
We moved apartments. We had broken down vehicles – both of
Its only mid-Feb but it feels like this year has already
gone on too long. I abso-fucking-lutely hate winter and have found myself researching somewhere more mild (while still in Canada) places to move to. Seriously. Totally fucking seriously.
I….. however..... am not well. AGAIN. I don’t know where I’m going from here or
what I’m going to discover lies within the depths of my body. It’s my guts
though. Most days it feels like I must be walking around with rotting insides.
I wake up nearly every morning now with pain and cramps from one side of my abdomen
to the other.
It feels….. disgusting in there. I imagine dead guts inside
me, not healthy ones.
I’ve been denying it. I’ve been lying about it. I’ve been
ignoring it. It started many months ago, I don’t even know when. I wrote about
it here. That was in November and it was already going on for a long time. Remember EENV? Explosive endings and near vomitings? I even quit PB which I'm still mostly off. I thought maybe
it was sugar related. It still is, don’t get me wrong, sugar will often trigger
a violent reaction which is just fucking wonderful when I have lows these days.
What I’ve noticed is the frequency of the pain, cramps, running to the bathroom
followed by writhing in nausea. It’s been happening so often it stays almost
all day now. Every day.
What's made me see this? I can't remember the last day I felt good. It was probably months ago.
Yes I'm trying to get in to see a gut doc but referrals to specialists take forever.
I'm feeling very reluctant though. My whole fucking life I've struggled with different manifestations of these same issues with varying diagnoses. I always go in with slightly different symptoms though. This time, it's the worst I've ever experienced. It wasn't worrying me so much until I really thought about how I've been feeling lately.
I feel like I'm dead inside. Every moment of every day. If I really was dead inside I'd be a zombie.