Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Back to the board

My broken wrist is healing. The squiggly line showing the fracture goes straight across the head of my radius bone. I have some restricted movement as well as some pain but overall it’s on the mend. Soon I’ll be able to ride my bike not in the aero bars. Not yet but soon.

I’ve almost fully withdrawn off the vicious anti-anxietydrugs. I’m not sure what my new normal is yet though. Some days are good but others are a struggle. I’m learning how to live as me now, not me on drugs. It’s weird because it's a difference only I can sense.

We moved apartments. We had broken down vehicles – both of them.

Its only mid-Feb but it feels like this year has already gone on too long. I abso-fucking-lutely hate winter and have found myself researching somewhere more mild (while still in Canada) places to move to. Seriously. Totally fucking seriously.

I….. however..... am not well. AGAIN. I don’t know where I’m going from here or what I’m going to discover lies within the depths of my body. It’s my guts though. Most days it feels like I must be walking around with rotting insides. I wake up nearly every morning now with pain and cramps from one side of my abdomen to the other.

It feels….. disgusting in there. I imagine dead guts inside me, not healthy ones.

I’ve been denying it. I’ve been lying about it. I’ve been ignoring it. It started many months ago, I don’t even know when. I wrote about it here. That was in November and it was already going on for a long time. Remember EENV? Explosive endings and near vomitings? I even quit PB which I'm still mostly off. I thought maybe it was sugar related. It still is, don’t get me wrong, sugar will often trigger a violent reaction which is just fucking wonderful when I have lows these days. What I’ve noticed is the frequency of the pain, cramps, running to the bathroom followed by writhing in nausea. It’s been happening so often it stays almost all day now. Every day.

What's made me see this? I can't remember the last day I felt good. It was probably months ago.

Yes I'm trying to get in to see a gut doc but referrals to specialists take forever.

I'm feeling very reluctant though. My whole fucking life I've struggled with different manifestations of these same issues with varying diagnoses. I always go in with slightly different symptoms though. This time, it's the worst I've ever experienced. It wasn't worrying me so much until I really thought about how I've been feeling lately.

I feel like I'm dead inside. Every moment of every day. If I really was dead inside I'd be a zombie.

6 comments:

  1. I can't imagine how demoralised you must be feeling just now. I wish I could do something to help.

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  2. Scully, I know this sounds lame by now, but I really hope you're feeling better soon. And I hope you get in to see the guts doctor quickly.

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  3. This sounds awful. I'm glad you're writing and hope you'll keep doing it. Good luck with the GI doctor.

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  4. Hope you are feeling somewhat better. Hope you've been able to get a doctor's appointment.
    Enjoying your photo slideshow - over there on the right!

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  5. Hey Scullmeister, this sounds so miserable. I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of it. No good, no fun, no fair at all. Sending you all sorts of positive vibes and hoping you can find some answers and relief soon.

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  6. hey scully, i hope you're feeling a little better. have you gotten in to the dr's yet? winter is busting everyone's chops this year and to feel like death inside sure as hell doesn't help. hope you find out what it is soon. i'm thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way.

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