Training Camp Courtesy of Coach Chris
Let me get this straight, if you've read my past few posts you know I've not been well. If you've read my blog for any length of time you also know I have a huge heart and desire to race bikes but most of the time I just don't make the cut.
So here's the low down on my week:
I went down there knowing that 3 days after my return I would be getting skewered. Tomorrow I am having an endoscopy immediately followed by a colonoscopy. So I travelled south with trepidation and anxiety. Would I be able to ride? Might I miss rides due to my health? Maybe. Possibly. I'll keep that in mind.
Last night I finally got the opportunity to talk to Ryan about it. Although we were in contact almost constantly, he wasn't there for all the gritty details. While I was talking to him I was choking back tears. My week was awful. I signed up for this training camp because it was affordable and my teammate and best friend Shelly would be with me. The closer we got to the week the worse the state of my health got.
I have trouble eating anything at any point during the day. The weight I've lost has stayed stable which means I am somehow maintaining it. I question if that's consuming carbs to chase lows and not actually fueling with proper nutrition. In the span of a week I lost 3lbs from simply NOT being able to stomach much. That's starvation. That's putting out too many calories on the bike and being in a constant deficit. That means that I was riding on empty nearly the entire time. Probably burning muscle for fuel.
What was I to do? Go all the way there and NOT ride? I am too stubborn for that. I wanted to believe I could just ride through it and find my normal. So I rode. I suffered when it should have been easy. I hung off the back and got dropped many times. Near the end of the week I was a motherfucking wreck. I was empty. I was broken down.
Ryan told me I am different since being back. The spark and cheer is drained from my life. I am a bit of a shell emotionally and physically. After telling Ryan just how much I suffered on so many levels he looked me straight in the face and said, "You can't keep doing this." He's right. I can train and ride when I feel able to. I can still put the hours on the bike but the idea of racing is probably going to go by the wayside for now. At least until I can find out what's wrong with me and find a way to fix it.
There were many times I enjoyed the riding. It was freeing just to be on my bike OUTSIDE for the first time since December. So many times I had big smiles flying down mountains. However, underneath it all I was rapidly degrading and hiding it all.
Except for Shelly, she saw it all. She saw me eat next to nothing. It's an odd thing when you suddenly find yourself spending 24/7 with someone. They witness things I have been desperately trying to hide.
I might write more about the actual riding but for now, this is all I got.