Canadian D-gal

Admitting that I'm shitty at 'betes

2012-02-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

You can really learn so much about yourself and your perception of your health when you start spending time with a new partner.

It's not news anymore really that I have thrown myself back into the dating world. I was against the idea of having to tell my life story and getting to know someone again so I avoided it. For a long time. But here I am, trying to open up my world to another human being. With that world of mine comes all my 'betes baggage.

All the awkward questions, explanations, stories and pre-requisite readings. I kind of feel like I wish I had a pamphlet. You know, something along the lines of..... "So you're dating a diabetic now....." It would have things like:

-Avoid looking over the shoulder to read BG numbers and then remark on them like you have a clue.
-The basics like, Insulin=lowers blood sugar, Sugar=raises blood sugar. No, you do not want to inject me with insulin when I am low
-Always have glucose tablets on hand for your forgetful new friend
-Realize that you'll probably never understand
-There is no such thing as a quick question in diabetes education
-All those little blood stains? Yeah, get used to it.

...and so on.

But that was not the point of this post. See why I haven't written in awhile? I can't organize my brain.

Part of being with someone new is the reality check. Yeah hanging around me and diabetes are new and weird at first and then things become the norm. Not that I like the idea of people "getting used to" needles, blood and sweaty shaky lows. But the initial shock of "wtf is wrong with you" slowly dissipates to an annoying background nag. What recently came to my attention was of my own recognition. Oh yeah, I kind of suck a this 'betes thing.

I've had a few weeks of shitty blood sugars. I'm constantly high and really rarely ever see a number in that wee little safe zone. These weeks happen though and there's no easy way to get through them. Even when things ARE seemingly going well I can't deny the fact that my A1C still suffers and is a major thorn in my side. So I come to the point where there really is a "scale" of how good I am doing. The worst part? Admitting to someone that although I seem to be doing well, yeah I exercise and I eat healthy and I test my BG a zillion times a day, does not mean I'm in good standings.

"Your Diabetes May Vary" is a term that needs to be used more often. I always tell myself, "my next A1C will be better". The problem is I've been saying that for...... how long have I had diabetes for? Yeah. I can only tell myself that tomorrow is a new day so many years in a row before I just get pissed off. Sure, it could be worse. Sure I am still alive complication-free. But inside, I am slowly feeling like a failure because I want to do better than this. THIS is not good enough.

There really is a chart complete with gold stars. It's just in our mind. I feel like I'm never earning any gold stars yet I try and try and try. It's like my running and my cycling and everything else in my life. I'm only ever going to be average.

But having to tell someone that I have no gold stars on my D-chart is hard. It's admitting to myself and to others that I am not really good at this. That my numbers do, in fact, tell the truth as far as where I stand on the success of my health. I'm not going to lie even though I could because new people usually have no idea that you can suck really bad at diabetes or that there's that dreaded A1C........

HIGHS SUCK!

2012-02-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Riding high blood sugars makes me angry grrrrrrrrr.......

Here we are, like day one too many of constant high blood sugars. This shit happens, it does. Sometimes it happens for an hour or half a day. Sometimes it happens for many many days in a row.

Here is a post with probably TMI, probably not for the guys and definitely full of ranty bits.

Stress effects blood sugars. DUH! Sometimes my stress sends them low but more often then not it sends them high. Do you know what else stress effects? It effects my hormones. I'm a girl on "the pill", you know the one. One of the benefits of this mastermind of an invention is to regulate our cycles and make our periods totally and completely predictable. I think my whole neighbourhood heard me scream "What the fuck?!" from my bathroom on Saturday morning. When my monthly monster (shark week) attacked when it wasn't expected to arrive for another week, I get worried. It means there is something seriously wrong with my hormones. Two things make this happen (in my experience). Too much heavy exercise or stress. This time it's due to stress because I haven't hardly been able to exercise (another issue all together, read: stress!).

SO...... shark week comes not only a week early, but for 2 straight weeks. Why? because I'm on the pill right? So my expected date of attack is still in the books and scheduled to arrive on time no doubt.

NEEDLESS to say, this has thrown my hormones for a mighty fucking loopty loop. And now folks, what do hormones effect? F'n blood sugars.

High blood sugars from too much stress. High blood sugars from hormones as a result of an unplanned cycle which leads to the hormones of the planned cycle which leads to way-too-many-factors-to-even-consider-so-shoot-me-now.

High blood sugars. ALL.THE.TIME. I get up in the middle of the night to try and correct. I've got temp basals running anywhere between 140% - 180%. High blood sugars make me hungry. High blood sugars mean very limited carbs. This is okay for a day but for 8+ days? I need my carbs man!

High blood sugars mean... in the worst case... no exercise. It's too risky. Today, I'm running a temp basal of 180%. I sent Katie a text to see what SHE would do in this situation. I knew the answer I just needed someone to justify the danger of the situation if I went and exercised with high BGs and a 180% TBR. Thanks for the reassurance of a possibly stupid decision Katie. I'm fed up with days of little to no reaction so I pulled out the big TBR guns. I had to get aggressive since nothing else seemed to be working. Don't even suggest new vial or new site or blah blah blah... been there, done that, didn't help.

So let's summarize this. Stress and hormones mess up blood sugars. The menstrual cycle, messes with blood sugars. High blood sugars makes me moody and irritable. On top of already dealing with high stress levels that have caused a double shark week. Add to that limited carbs, too much work and no exercise?

An equation without a solution. A baaaad mix for a girl who relies on exercise as a stress reliever.

There is no answer right now. Try and lower the stress? I'm trying but the vicious high blood sugar circle is in full effect. All I can do is just keep pumping that insulin in and constantly monitoring. Mostly, it's just about patience because this can't possibly last forever...

...can it?

February 12 of 12

2012-02-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Better late than never right?

As per usual, check side bar for previous months 12 of 12's.

HERE WE GO!

1. *glug*glug*glug* We get some snow and I go through this stuff right fast. I would like to brag that my windshield washer fluid reservoir holds an entire jug. *wink*

2. Drove to Guelph to visit my sister, bro-in-law and kids. I haven't seen them in over a month and that makes my life less happy.

3. Oh the difficulty of potty training.

4. She wanted to put on her princess dress and dance around.

5. We went to the book store which conveniently had a Starbucks. I needed coffee bad and I love holiday cups. I also love the new Blonde roast.

6. At the book store waiting for my sis

7. Mister Awesome!

8. Major low blood sugar. Like awful sweaty shaky sneak attack low. Looking into an almost empty bottle of Dex.

9. I sat on the floor in my kitchen in front of my pantry. I had my jacket and scarf on because I was supposed to be leaving the house but my low forced me to delay. As my BG started to come up the potato chips never stood a chance. I felt ill for the rest of the night.

10. I've been suffering through some constant persistent migraines that have been going on for a week. I alternate between these two pain killers every 3 hours.

11. Three words: NEW COFFEE MAKER

12. What's a new coffee maker without a fresh new fancy bag of beans?

THANKS FOR VIEWING!

Slipstream 2012 Part FINALE!

2012-02-10T12:20:00.001-05:00

Well friends,

Part of the awesomeness of joining something like Connected in Motion is being a part of killer photos (by Mike Last) and videos by Hank (Dreamsoft Productions).

Here is Hanks awesome creation of this years' Winter Slipstream event. He's right, you can't really explain what Slipstream is about without going to one.

I am so lucky to know these people and consider them my friends!

More hours in the day please

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

This post sprung from Celine's post about the juggling act of life.

It's been on my mind constantly since then. Just the fact that I have procrastinated writing about it for this long is a good indication.

Basically, there aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore. 24 hours would be great if I didn't have to waste time commuting and sleeping. Just why do we require so much sleep in the first place? You'd think we would have evolved by now to not need so much sleep.

I have TOO MUCH going on. This "too much" is starting to wear me out and break me down. I feel weird writing about this while at the same time trying not to complain. We all have trouble finding the time to fit it all in, this is nothing new. Some of you are in worse situations than me so sometimes I feel like I should just suck it the fuck up. On that note, I will not go into list format on the too many things I've taken on in my life that has led me to this position right now.

Maybe it's just me and my anxiety issues. Maybe it's just me and my reactions to stress.

It's come to a head, somethings gotta give.

It wasn't until I was stuck in a sardine can (airplane) on my way to Texas this past weekend that all of these things became super clear and apparent to me. I enjoy flying because it literally forces me to sit still and take time for myself. Be it reading, listening to music or thinking.

I am no stranger to the effects of constant stress. It has a very profound physical effect on me. Suddenly during the flight all these thoughts came flooding into my head. My guts are always in a knot. The inside of my mouth is chewed to shreds all the time. I can't stop habitually picking at my fingernails. My face keeps breaking out like a hormonal teenager. Stress much? The only good thing has been my diabetes management (go figure) and I've had really great numbers. Doesn't seem right does it?

The persistence of this crazy lifestyle lately has been building and so have the panic and anxiety attacks. I'm lucky if I sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. This is from being busy in my "brain" as well as not having enough time to get everything done. I miss my family and my friends. I miss my quiet time alone. I miss reading books!

On that plane it was clear as day. It's come time to make a decision and axe something out of my life for the betterment of my health and sanity. I am not superwoman no matter what outfit I put on.

I have put too many expectations on myself. At the end of the day I feel like I am doing the best I can. Even though I am spreading myself too thin. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I pursue freelance work on the side because I am not making enough to live day to day. I never say "no" to a job because I never know when I might get another one. I've come to depend on the extra money to live. Well guess what? As much as I know freelance betters my skills and markets my abilities, (and pays the bills) it is extremely time consuming. It's a pretty big thing that demands a lot of my brain space and free time. So, for the next few months and probably into the summer I'm saying "NO" to freelance.

Why? Because seeing my family and friends is more important to me. Because I miss my wiggly bum doggy living with me. Because training is more important to me than money. I will NOT put aside my running and cycling. NO WAY! Because I am better than the stress that gives me anxiety. Because I want to see what it feels like to be really awake during the day.

Sometimes, you just gotta open your eyes and see the damage.

Racing bikes in Texas

2012-02-08T08:00:00.002-05:00

This past weekend I flew to San Antonio, Texas for my first bike race with Team Type 1. It was done in true Scully style. Starting with me running through the airport with my roller bag while dragging my bike in a cardboard box as the dude threatened me that my bike might not make the flight. I almost didn't make it either thanks to rush hour traffic in Buffalo. I even brought cold rainy weather to Texas. I didn't realize it rained so much there. Nor did I know it could be that chilly. It wasn't warm at all. I mean, it was warm by Ontario standars but I was really hoping for some sun.

I REALLY wanted to title this blog post, "Y'all can call me DFL." read on...

Race Day 1: 30 minute crit race. For my readers who aren't in the cycling circle (because neither was I a few months ago). A "crit" or "criterium" race is a usually held on a short course, typically a couple miles with some sharp turns and for my group we did 4 laps. 4 insane laps. I had no clue what I was doing and it wasn't just obvious to me. Within the first 30 seconds I got dropped from the group. I panicked hard and could feel myself breathing heavier. I could swear there were girls behind me but there was only one. After the first lap I noticed she was riding my wheel and I didn't know why she was behind me and not way up in front with the rest of the group. Pass she did not. Instead she asked me to ride her wheel as we went into a turn and she explained how to properly do it. What? seriously? She talked me through a few things. Up the long hill, through some more turns, we rode together. I rode her wheel and then we switched. I asked her what she was doing back there with me and she explained that she had a bunch of wisdom teeth pulled and wasn't feeling 100%. I couldn't help but laugh out loud and tell her, "Well I'm glad you got your teeth pulled and thank you for helping me out and teaching me some ropes." I finished DFL (dead freaking last) but I wasn't really expecting anything else and there were only 10 of us. It was a hilly route and the weather was quite chilly and windy. Watching the women's cat 1,2,3 was WAY more exciting and fellow team mate/program director Morgan is a powerhouse!

Morgan with exposed pod!

My blood sugars were pretty manageable because it was so short. I started a bit high and ended a bit higher than that thanks to nerves, panic and stress.

Later in the day we attended a community event at the local YMCA. It was hosted by the local JDRF chapter along with a representative from Sanofi (our biggest sponsor). Everybody we met that afternoon were all so kind and friendly. I've never participated in something like this where I was considered a role model of sorts. We spoke in front of a group of people of all ages, some with diabetes some family members of a PWD. We told our stories and why we race with Team Type 1. We shared what motivates us and how exercise has helped us to manage our diabetes. It was really neat. We spent a long time talking to the young girl and her mother pictured below. This girl, Lauren, was diagnosed only 6 months ago at the age of 15 and had the most beautiful smile that never left her face. I was really blown away by how open and inspirational her and her mother were. They were fighting the adversity of type 1 diabetes with smiles.

Fat fluffy chickens the morning of day 2

Race Day 2: Road race day. This one really requires no explanation. My category rode 28 miles while Morgan's category rode 47 miles. It was colder this day which didn't make it any easier. I woke up to a flat rear tire on my POS (peice of shit) bike. Morgan was kind enough to give me her spare tube since I didn't bring one (stupid Scully mistake number #1). Then I punctured the new tube as I was trying to replace it because I forgot to bring proper tire levers (stupid Scully mistake #2). Bike shops were closed and I'm pretty sure we were in the WRONG part of town. Morgan suggests I use my best flirting ways to see if I could snag a tube from someone at the race.

Turns out I didn't even need to use my Canadian "aboot" charm and the pit crew helped me out. Except that as I was walking back to the car to finish getting ready, the group was all lined up and ready to go. ACK! the panic sets in again. All that work to get a functioning tire and I might miss out on the race. I scrambled to get my shoes, helmet and gloves on as well as getting that newly fixed rear wheel attached to my bike. It HAD to be the rear wheel. I zip up to the line with my shoes un-buckled, helmet on sideways and barely containing my anxiety. And to make matters worse, my CGM displayed double arrows down despite having a 50% temp on for 1.5hours. I downed a GU, glad that I had another one shoved in my sports bra. I got a taste of big group riding for the first time ever. I managed to stay with the group for about 20 minutes. It was glorious. The girls were friendly and the effort was minimal. We were just flying! Then before I knew it they attacked on an uphill. I pedaled as fast as my legs could go and I tried to stay in the draft but a little too much too late and before I knew it, I was dropped. I kept on trying to catch up but I could feel that gel creeping up my throat and burning my esophagus. I was done. I lost them and was now on my own trying to keep my gel down.

The condition of the roads were absolute shit. A large portion of the road was incredibly bumpy like exposed aggregate or something. There were large stones embedded in the road. It felt like riding on the rumble strips on the highways in a car. Every part of my body that was touching the bike was beyond numb. My toes, my hands and my crotch. All numb. I lost a lot of my confidence at this point. My bike was shaking and rattling and making a whole heck of a racket that sounded like it would just fall apart into a zillion peices right there on the pavement. (again POS bike). I was struggling against the wind, the bumpy road and feeling totally alone. I had to keep reminding myself that I was in Texas and to try and enjoy the novelty of not riding on my hometown roads in Ontario but it all sort of felt the same without a big group to ride with.

Then I got a Moxy Fruvous song stuck in my head. Oh yeah, a recipe for a nightmare! "King of Spain" rolling around in my head over and over again. I hit a good portion of road where I was maintaining a 37 km/h speed and it felt really sweet.

BUT, the blood sugar devil promptly came and stole away my thunder just about the time the rain began to fall. I thought about it for awhile. Is my blood sugar really dropping or am I just bonking? My CGM showed me holding steady. I couldn't feel it but then I got the familiar sharp white spots in my vision. I was slowing down even more, if that was possible. Oh man. I'm low. Into my cleavage I retrieved my other gel. Chocolate Mint... ICK! I wanted to stop so bad. I wanted to just topple over on my bike and close my eyes right there.

I finished, DFL again. I thought about whether bike racing was something I should be doing or not. I wondered if I would be as good at bike racing as I was a running races. Mediocre back half of the crowd. I will continue to pursue. I have some major work to do. I also found myself suffering from a ferocious migraine for the rest of the afternoon. Where even just the slightest movement of my head was excruciating and nauseating. Cold, wet, dehydrated hypo hangover maybe?

I didn't manage my BGs very well. I can't believe it didn't occur to me to fill one bottle with water and one with Gatorade and sip from both. This is an especially big deal since I recently started using a not so low temp basal rate and relying more on fuel intake. Next time. There is no time to stop to check BG and I was extremely thankful to have a CGM on, better yet one that was somewhat reliable for a change. What would I have done without a CGM and no way to test? play the guessing game perhaps. All this does is prove to me the value of CGMs and how much I wish I wasn't paying for it out-of-pocket.

I had a whole boatload of fun and learned a bunch. I learned what I need to do for next time as far as D-management goes and where to focus my training on.

This was excessively long, but I had a lot to say!

Slipstream 2012 Part 3, the pictures.

2012-02-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

A handful of pictures from the weekend.

Thanks Amy for taking this picture of me!

As most of you know I am rarely found without my DSLR. I sneak around taking photos instead of participating, it's just the way I roll. This weekend, I did not bring my DSLR. This weekend I took a few days off from my photographing nature so I would enjoy myself and not stick my head behind my camera where it normally is.

Needless to say, I won't be doing that again. I love my camera, I love taking pictures. Coming home with good quality pictures to reminisce with is worth it! All of these pictures were taken with my iphone so the quality is less than desired. Never-the-less, enjoy!

This is some one's log. It's intense. The notebook is so old and thick. All the pages are worn and ratty at the edges. But, this guy impressed me with his logging prowess.

Team 1 won the structure building challenge thanks to a very tall and very eager Saci!

I totally stole this picture, I'm not even sure who took it!

Nothing is complete without a bounce on the Inuit blanket. Trusting your friends to safely launch you. We are there for each other.

The table I found myself at during lunch one day. The table of endurance athletes. I was in awe and blown away.

Go ANDY Go! Loving the luging.

High ropes. A lesson in trusting in yourself. Trusting in yourself and your buddies. Amazing.

There is a special person in this picture. Jimmy! a newly diagnosed type 1 who I met only a couple of months ago and urged to join the slipstream crew. When I saw his face that Friday night I broke out into the biggest smile. Every time I noticed his presence all weekend I was one very happy diabetic. I was happy he was here and having a good time. I was also happy he showed up on Saturday night with his flanel onesie and beer holster.

Onesies, they're making a comeback folks!

Mandy kicking ass at trying to knock the syringe down with marbles. Also wearing her pump proudly.

Chasing the sun on a serene lake.

I put this picture up mostly out of amazement.

This picture is also stolen. It's from Kayla. We had a mini snowshoe race. And by mini, it was like maybe 50 metres. It was a close race between myself and the other dude who's name I can't remember. He won by a half a foot. So close. I love this picture, I love the big smile on my face!

The CIM Buff crew!

We totally have reasons to celebrate yo!

Did we ever get a final count?

Long lonely drive home. Time for me to reflect, relax and live out the extended feeling of being in the slipstream. Until the next event.....

Slipstream 2012 Part 2

2012-02-02T08:00:00.002-05:00

What does the aftermath of a late night party of all PWD look like?
I don't have a picture but I do have the memory of the description I heard early Sunday morning while waiting for the coffee to brew. One of the slipstreamers awoke in his cabin to find the place strewn with beer bottles and the like. Sounds like a normal people's party right? But upon closer inspection he noticed Dex wrappers all over and lost glucose tablets that had rolled under furniture. Yeah, it must have been a GOOD night!

Any way...
I have to hand it to the group of organizers for coming up with some really great ways to learn and open up a bit more about how we feel about diabetes. I never expect to learn very much when I go to these things yet I always walk away more knowledgeable and a little more confident.

I'm not very good at "reporting" on things like lessons and workshops. I'm better at the reality of how they effected me personally and what exactly I got out of it. I'm always afraid of getting the basis of the lesson wrong so I'm probably not even going to go there.

The part of the weekend where I learned the most was during a session we had called "Hot Topics". At first I was like, "Brainstorming and discussions? I think I'll go take a walk in the forest thankyouverymuch."

BUuuuut...... turns out this was a highly emotional "Ah-ha" moment for me. As I walked around to all the tables each with a different topic, I read what people were writing. I won't be the first to admit that I am not happy to have diabetes. I am not proud to be a diabetic. Sure, I would never have met the amazing people that are in my life right now but, given the choice, I'd choose no diabetes. Groups like CIM exist because we are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. They are inspiration and motivation to learn and be with others like ourselves. Yes I whole heartily agree that we are stronger people than we would ever be if we didn't have D. We are all fighters and survivors EVERY SINGLE DAY. Would I be a fighter without D? Maybe, maybe not.

What am I saying? well, other than the fact that I FUCKING hate diabetes, I am SO grateful to have these wonderful people in my life. I am grateful for the goodness it has brought into my life too. But I was a little put off when someone wrote "proud to have diabetes."

Sorry for the long explanation. So no, I am not proud to be diabetic. I am not happy about having a chronic disease. It does not make me feel like some of the comments people were writing. I guess you'll never take the cynical pessimist out of me.

That's when my own "issues" started forming. There were two tables in particular that I couldn't walk away from. The "Diabetes and Mental Health" table struck a bit of a chord with me. I have struggled with moderate to sever depression starting about a year or two after my diagnosis (most of you know this, so its nothing new and I've written about it many times here). It's been a very long difficult road to get to where I am today. In my life diabetes and depression go hand in hand. I spent a good portion of time resonating with the discussions that were had there.

Thanks Kayla, for snapping this photo of me. I had no idea you took this picture.

The other topic, "Diabetes and Relationships" hit me with a few more bricks in the bag than expected. I'm going to get a bit deep here, you've been warned. The first thing I wrote was "Burdens on others". I feel that my diabetes is a burden on my loved ones. Sure it's my disease and I'm the only one responsible for managing it and taking care of it. My family and friends are powerless over what they can do. I know they'd like to help but they can't. I also know it's hard for them to constantly sit on the sidelines and NOT be able to do anything. Except for grabbing me some Dex tabs, they are essentially powerless. I hate the emotional burden that falls on their shoulders.

I then wrote something along the lines of "To be with me is to be with D". I was out of the dating scene for a LONG time before realizing that it was time to venture out into the world again. Diabetes is a large part of who I am. I blog about it. It effects my activities and exercises. I test a gazillion times a day so there's no sneaking that around. I now race with TT1 because of it. It's there 24/7 and on my mind nearly every other minute. So to meet someone new is a challenge. Be it a friendship or spouse. I met someone lately and it really was like , "Hi, my name is Scully and I have type 1 Diabetes." I am a diseased person, FACT. It is a huge part of my life, FACT. In order for me to manage it, it's gotta be out in the open. My perspective friends and partners are not just meeting me, they are meeting my disease and I truly hate burdening them. A significant other, now has to live with diabetes through me and there's no way I can hide that.

It's a LOT to take in from an outsiders point of view. They can choose not to put up with it. I mean, they usually don't run away and probably because they have NO idea what they're getting into until it's too late. Mwahahaha! I rope them in before they have a chance to run in the other direction.

In all seriousness... this topic hit me hard. I didn't know I had those emotions in me. It was a huge thought process.

In the end, I took away from that session things I never thought possible. Clearly I have some issues to work through. Bring on the couch!

Tomorrow, I will post pictures. And if I can figure out how to get my iphone videos to show up in the right direction, I'll put some of those up too.

Slipstream 2012 Part 1

2012-02-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

We are a sexy group of green!

This past weekend, Connected in Motion held their 4th annual Winter Slipstream event. This is the first year I was able to go. Thanks mum 'n dad for the wonderful Christmas gift!

I am so lucky to have connected with this amazing group of people. We all need something like this!

Like many exciting T1D events that I've been to in the past year, I always walk away from them unable to really formulate my thoughts straight away. It's not for lack of thoughts, it's because of overwhelming emotions. I don't think my brain processes very quickly.

What I drove. At least it was freshly plowed.

The trip started off pretty straight forward but my route was nothing short of direct. I got majorly lost and turned around and by the time I realized my directional mistakes, it was too late to turn back and go the right way. I spent well over an hour driving down dark unlit snow covered twisty roads void of a single other vehicle. I arrived 2 hours later than expected and needing to majorly pee but just in time for the evenings' events.

I felt rather discombobulated upon first arrival. It was all so much to absorb. What was it, something like 56 Type 1 Diabetics? All descending upon the quiet Muskokas to have a good time, learn, and play in the snow! It was so awesome to see familiar faces and reunite with friends as well as meeting a bunch of new folks that I would come to spend time with for the next two days. My throat hurt on the first night from yapping my mouth off so much. Sorry D peeps!

You know why I like these CIM events so much? Yeah, a lot of it is the camaraderie of hanging out with other pancreatically malfunctioning human beings but also because of the learning aspect. It's like camp for adults. It wasn't just about sliding down snow, hanging from trees and junk in the trunk, it's so much more. It's organized and planned and surprisingly well timed. It incorporated a good portion of working and learning in a relaxed and open environment. Complete with markers, chart paper, assignments and group work reminiscent of my high school days. The only difference, this was something I actually WANTED to brainstorm about.

At one point I realized I was sitting at a table with a whole bunch of other type 1 endurance athletes. For the first time since I started meeting other T1D I felt incredibly humbled and totally at ease. These guys (and girls) know what I'm talking about man! How to test your blood sugar while running? ask them. How to attach your glucose meter to your bike handles? ask them (I need to do this!). Shove GU under your swim cap? Awesome tip! Race nerves pushing BGs through the roof? don't we know it! It was just really cool to spend some time around an entire table of 'em, all in one place!

It's highly educational and there are a few things I had an "ah-ha" moment about which I'll go into another day.

These weekends are more than just getting together to consume massive amounts of glucose tablets. They are about networking and building up connections. After all, this is not a disease that a simple pill-a-day would fix. This is a horribly demanding suck-the-life-out-of-you burden that only we can possibly understand. It's important to have friends to turn to who can offer some understanding and compassion as well as helpful tips you'll never hear from your doc.

Sure, refill and re-use infusion sets? YUP!
Your endo is a douche too? YUP!

Where else could you be snowshoeing on a frozen snow covered lake while chatting away with a friend who goes out of her way to mention BG trends she noticed you had? Then turn to offer suggestions and trouble shoot why those trends are happening?

So, it's more than just camaraderie and people who "get it". It's a universal understanding and eagerness to help manage what is normally a personal disease. It's the determination to manage the unmanageable.

It's the common understanding to live each day the best we can because life can feel so much shorter when you have diabetes. You just never know.

I have plenty more to say and a load of pictures. Stay tuned.

20 Questions...

2012-01-27T08:00:00.003-05:00

I got this from Queenie. Seemed interesting enough, I love this shit.
It also seemed appropriate for a Friday post. This weekend, close to 60 type 1 diabetics will descend upon the Ontario mid-north to take over for the weekend. It will be a couple days of D chaos, hilarity and a lot of beeping. Am I excited? hell yeah!

Here goes: (I can't get rid of those spaces to save my life. They are irritating me)

1. What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday?

A lot of coffee while lounging around. Some heavy sweat-inducing exercise be it running or cycling and spending time with my family if I can.

2. List your top 3 favorite TV shows.

Greys Anatomy (to get my drama fix)
Glee (to get my comedic fix)
House (just cause I love it)

3. Would you rather be in pictures or take them?

Take them. I love photographing people and I'm not very photogenic myself.

4. Why do you blog?

I like to get involved in what's going on. I like to be a part of something big like the DOC. With how much I've learned from connecting and meeting other type 1's I felt maybe I had something to offer too.

5. If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list, who would it be?

The Twitterverse is not for me.

6. List a few of your favorite snacks.

Peanut butter off the spoon
Fruit of any kind
Potato chips (blushes with embarrassment)
Cheese

7. Share five websites that you visit regularly.

Other than Email, Facebook and Blogger,

The Weather Network
Flickr
Some sort of news website

8. Do you have a pet? If so, what kind?

I have a dog, he is an Australian Shepherd/Border Collie (we think) I brought him back from Taiwan. I miss him, he has been living at my parents house with his buddy since I am hardly ever home :(

9. Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without?

Hmm... not including diabetes paraphernalia...

running shoes
coffee maker
bike

10. What is your favorite drink?

Coffee. With lots of creamy cream.

11. Do you enjoy cooking?

Yes, very much so. Just not when it's only me. Needless to say it's been a long time since I've cooked anything. I enjoy coming up with vegetarian and gluten-free ideas.

12. Do you have children?

Nope but hopefully one day.

13. What are your favorite hobbies?

Cycling and running. Photography, writing and spending time with friends.

14. Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing?

I have always lived my life on the fence. I am mostly shy but if I'm comfortable I can be a royal pain in the ass and annoyingly so.

15. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?

Just one thing? I wish I didn't struggle with anxiety and depression.

16. Who is your favorite actor/actress?

Kevin Spacey, Matt Damon. Fucking amazing actors.

17. What's the coolest thing you've done this week?

Nothing exciting that I can possibly think of. It's been a pretty bland week of routine. The other night, I went into Bulk Barn and didn't buy a single thing of junk. That's impressive.

18. Do you live near your family or far from them?

I live near them. I'm a 20 minute drive from my parents and a 45 minute drive from my sister, bro-in-law and kids. I am very happy that we live close.

19. List three of your talents.

Does the rate at which I consume peanut butter count as a talent?
I read people really well
I can type really REALLY fast

20. What is your greatest attribute?

I am easy going so I get along with just about anybody and it takes a lot to piss me off.

Thanks for reading!

Logging for Rebels (By Sysy)

2012-01-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

This post comes at a very interesting time.

I am NOT a logger. I have never logged for more then a few days. I am at the point right now where I really need to log blood sugars, exercise and food. I want to be serious about my diabetes and training. I need to figure out if I'm training smart and if my insulin regime needs tweaking. I need to see if I'm consuming too many or too few calories. I need to log miles in my shoes so I don't go and ruin my feet again. All of these reasons should be enough, but evidently they aren't in my stupid brain.

If I try, I last maybe a couple days. Katie, I lasted about 1.5 days on that app. I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself. I guess it just wasn't the right app for me.

I have tried all sorts of ways of convincing myself. Be it digitally on the computer or on my phone or by hand on a notepad/calendar/hand. You name it. I start and I think, "I'm never going to keep this up." low and behold I never do.

Right now as we speak I have like a month of workouts to log. All I have is the info from my Garmin at this point since I can't remember how many hours I slept 3 Wednesdays ago or what my blood sugar did.

I'm really pissed off at myself. I turned to someone I think is highly influential and inspirational. I asked Sysy who is like my diabetes guru for good management. She works hard and I look up to her. She wrote this guest post for me. Needless to say, I'm going to try AGAIN.

Read on.....

I know logging numbers is hard. I abhor it. I've often been a rebel when it comes to my diabetes. In fact, I wrote my mom an angst filled poem once in my early teens called, “Your Rebel Without A Cause”. In logging one’s diabetes numbers, the cause for rebellion is that it can be a most unpleasant chore. So I get it. If you get it, this post is for you.

My doctor doesn’t ask me to log my numbers because he knows I won’t do it so he just looks at my meter. For my benefit at home, since I am the one that changes all of my insulin needs (albeit, never drastically) I review my meter’s log each week and track trends.

Here is an idea for tracking trends if you really find it hard to log or are simply as stubborn as I am:

Get a calendar or use the one in your phone or gadget of choice (I’m a decade behind so I use the kitchen wall calendar). At the end of each day or two, grab your meter and make a note of which times of the day or night you were high and low. I am pretty general, for example: “Morning-high”, “3am-low”, “Afternoon-high”. I don’t write down when I’m in range because this info is assumed by it’s absence. I also completely skip days which I might have ruined with some sort of binge eating. In fact, sometimes a Monday or Wednesday here and there has just said “chocolate” on it. Nuff said. You see on those days, blood sugar data isn’t accurate because what threw our blood sugars was our atypical actions that day. And it’s ok. It happens. But I find that stressing over insulin changes for data like that just skews everything. Something else I’d make note of on the calendar if you’re a girl-pms time of the month. This definitely changes things and is worth keeping track of with a little red dot.

Now, at the end of each week, take a look at the last calendar week and look for similarities.

For example, do you have highs most mornings? If so, this is a trend. Are you low several times a week in the middle of the night? This is also a trend-and so on. This is what doctors do with your numbers. And nothing stops you from doing the same. If you feel uncomfortable adjusting your insulin, please consult your doctor. If you do adjust your insulin on your own, do it in small, safe increments and add a few blood sugar checks, especially for overnight changes.

My endo never gives me insulin recommendations. He brings my attention to trends he notices and asks me if I know what’s going on. If I don’t, this means I need to investigate. For example: My endo pointed out at my last visit that I was having higher highs. I was having the same number of highs as before, but they were higher. This lead me to think honestly about what I’ve been doing differently lately and by writing up a one week food journal I realized I was eating more carbs than usual. This lead me to reduce carbs again and get those highs down from around the 300 range to 200, which makes a big difference in the way I feel and makes the process of correcting much faster and simpler.

So ok, you get the idea. The key really is just to get creative and figure out some way to track trends while giving them enough time to prove themselves real and to learn what works and doesn’t work for you.

Good luck with logging, however and whenever you manage it!

The tip about not bothering to record blood sugars that are in range is simple but brilliant. That makes a huge difference. THANK YOU SYSY! And I've had a few of those "chocolate" days myself.

I have an idea for a Scully'ized app now.

A guest post on anxiety and depression

2012-01-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

As many of you know I am among the many who struggle with depression and anxiety along with my diabetes. A lot (not all) is a symptom of diabetes. I blog about it from time to time and it has allowed me to connect with a few similar diabetics out there which has helped.

I was recently contacted by Ryan Rivera at Calm Clinic. and he offered to write me a guest post about coping with depression and anxiety as they relate to diabetes. There is a lot of useful information on his website which I had the opportunity to peruse through.

I just want to make ONE note so as not to confuse the D-folks alike out there. This guest post is addressed to diabetes in general and doesn't specify between which types. I found it to be useful information once I ignored the comments about diet and nutrition.

Please enjoy.

Tips to Reduce Diabetic Anxiety and Depression

Diabetes is a kind of disease that calls for major changes in the sufferer’s life if he or she intends to manage it well and live with the disease. When you have this disease, your life will surely turn upside-down. You will need to make a lot of changes and adjustments. Because of these, sufferers often fall into a pit of anxiety and depression.

But you don’t really need to fret and there’s no need to let it control your life. Yes, it may interrupt your workday and you will need to revamp your diet. And the daily checking of blood sugar levels and inspecting your feet during daily baths can be quite cumbersome. This disease can also be quite expensive as there are specialized medications such as insulin injections and diet requirement you need to comply to. But despite all these, life with diabetes doesn’t have to be all gloomy and scary. There are plenty of ways you can integrate these changes into your daily routine. Here are some tips to help you deal with it successfully.

Take It One Day at a Time

So you have diabetes, now what? Surely, when the doctor broke the news to you, wheels were turning in your head about what’s going to happen. You probably thought about stuff you heard from friends or family who have had the disease and it’s the negative things that you remember most. Now that’s not going to do you any good. You need to take things slowly and take it one day at a time. Ask your doctor about what you can do to live with it, and take it from there.

Understand It

Before torturing yourself thinking about what your future could be and what’s going to happen to you now that you have the disease (this is the usual path to depression and anxiety), stop yourself and think. We are only fearful of something we do not fully understand. So the best approach here is to face your fear of the disease and its future implications on your life and learn everything there is to learn about it. Most especially, learn about the best ways that you can control it.

Look At The Bright Side

And when you’ve learned everything there is to learn about your disease, stop thinking of it as a disease! Sure, there are a lot of changes in your food intake, but hey, you don’t have to think of it as “restrictions” or “doctor’s orders”. Think of it as your chance to live a healthier lifestyle. You diet will usually contain healthy food anyway. And you will need to do daily exercises. If you are told to do daily insulin injections, think of it as your daily dose of supplements. The more that you don’t think about your condition as a disease, the less likely you are to sink into depression.

Take it as a challenge

According to studies, majority of people with diabetes get depressed and anxious because of the wrong outlook in life. Most people see it as a curse, a consequence for wrong choices and an unhealthy lifestyle in the past. But that shouldn’t be the case (because, really, most of it is hereditary). You should take it as a challenge and face it head on. Refuse to be defeated and find ways to control it.

Make It Your Responsibility

As they say, be responsible of your body. Take to heart the changes and adjustments you need to make in your life and make it your responsibility. Never rely on others to help you deal with the disease. After all, there will not be anyone else to blame but yourself if things go wrong. And you wouldn’t want to beat yourself up on it, too.

Enjoy it

You may find this morbid, but you should enjoy your condition. Being diabetic is not all that bad; there are a lot of good things about it, too. The best way to cope with anxiety that stems from this disease is to enjoy it. Do you know that a low-glucose diet (the diet you’ll be adjusting to when you have this disease) can help you maintain your figure? That’s right. In fact, this is what most nutritionists suggest for people who want to lose weight and keep the weight off. See what I mean when I say enjoy your condition? People spend a lot of money just to be able to do this type of diet, while you are entitled to it because of your condition.

Be Aware

Once you’ve gotten the hang of living with this condition, be informed and be aware. Always look for information about your disease. Check with your community if there are groups or organizations that aim to give information and updates on the disease and keep yourself informed.

Control

Dealing with this disease the right way is to take control of your life. You don’t need to be always fearful and anxious when diagnosed with the disease. Don’t let it control your life. Remember how your diet, medication, and lifestyle needs to be always in check once you start living with the disease? That control is in your hands, that itself is your power over the disease and whatever depression and anxiety it brings.

Ryan Rivera is an anxiety survivor and was able to successfully deal with it through natural and alternative anxiety treatment methods. Learn more all about it at http://www.calmclinic.com/.

Insulin party that I wasn't invited to that ended with a beautiful run

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning. We got a couple centimetres of snow overnight. It was -16C (3F) with the wind chill. I had slept for only 5 hours as I am often only getting on a daily basis.

I woke up with some sickeningly high blood sugars. I was very confused. Everything was fine the day before and there was absolutely no reason for this high blood sugar. I chalked it up to diabetes moodiness. One of those, "I can't explain this right now." type of situation. Correct, coffee, move on and hope for the best. I was heading out to meet someone I had a blind date with earlier in the week.

Yeah, I laugh at it too. She's a girl and she's into running and cycling and stair climbing. In this city, stair climbing is like a sport of it's own! We were set up by my brother. No kidding.

We were meeting Saturday morning for a 19km run.

As I was getting dressed into my layers of cold weather running clothes I noticed my infusion set was having a party that I wasn't invited to. The party was happening on the outside of my body and I was like, "Dude, the insulin party happens INSIDE!".

Sigh. There are downfalls to every infusion set and this is not the first time I've had this happen with the Medtronic Silhouettes. I suspect this party had been going on since the night before. It's location was around the waistband of my pants (for a change). There's no telling how it got out, except that it was out - for a long time and I wasn't aware.

Last minute diabetes plans here. No temp basal rate. I had to eat something so I grabbed a 30g carb protein bar with full bolus to account for my body being dry of insulin for hours and the high. Hope and pray for the best.

We ran a long slow uphill for 9.5km along a fresh snowed trail. I had flashbacks to my summer vacation running on the beach every morning. Neither of us have used or have any interest in using Yak Tracks so don't even try to convince me. As my friend said, "I just run and hope I don't bail." Yeah, me too. My heart rate was skipping along the, "Any faster and I'm going to explode" line. I won't lie, I haven't been doing very much running in the past couple months. I have been dedicating most of my time to the bike. I feel they compliment each other at least.

A test on my meter confirmed that my BG was going in the right direction. At the half way point my meter threw a temper tantrum and would not function in the cold despite me putting a hand warmer with it. I ate a few blocks (frozen blocks takes a strong jaw!) and ran blind the rest of the time. Within a km of the end I could feel my BG dropping. I finished with a tolerable 3.8mmol/l (68mg/dl).

Best part? I didn't crap, not once! HOW? I have no idea. Maybe from the anxiety of running with a new and untainted person. I should back this up a bit, the best part was running with someone. Hands down!! But seriously, I warned her. I now send people the link to this post, instead of trying to explain it all over again.

I was an amazing run. The weather wasn't as cold as I thought it would. My blood sugar AND bowels behaved themselves much to my surprise. The long slow uphill was challenging in the snow but to accomplish a run like that feels very rewarding.

Our little mountain.

Update: Although my legs were sore from not running consistently in a long time, what was more sore was my peripheral muscles. The smaller muscles used to constantly keep my ass from falling while running in snow. Good for you!

Very Carefully, Tha'ts How.

2012-01-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

One of the questions I get asked the most from non diabetics with regards to exercise is, "How do you do it?"

My first response is always, "Very carefully."

Which I then follow up with, "Trial and error."

Every diabetic knows that diabetes is entirely unpredictable with a zillion factors that ultimately effect the outcome. We also know that no two of us are alike. (Like a beautiful snowflake? *gag* ha). Basically what works for me, is highly unlikely to work for someone else.

This week I spent a bit of time trying to analyze some blood sugar outcomes. Since having to switch my workouts to the evenings again I've been struck with so many issues that I was happy to not have to deal with for awhile. My insulin sensitivity in the morning is absolute crap. I take 3 times more insulin in the morning than I do for the rest of the day. This means that I can easily work out without having to lower my insulin or make any special requirements. It's pretty awesome. Makes me feel like a normally functioning human being.

Three days in a row I did the exact same workout at the exact same time on my trainer at home.

Day one I set my temp basal for -70% 1.5 hours ahead. I went low mid-way and again at the end. I treated my low with only 10g of carbs because I knew if I had any more than that I would rebound. I set another temp rate at 160% for 3 hours as soon as I was done. Later in the evening my blood sugar jumped up to an 18mmol/l (325mg/dl). I chased highs all night.

Day two I set my temp basal for -80% 1.5 hours ahead. I finished a bit higher than expected. I then set another temp rate at 180% this time for 3 hours. I hit 16mmol/l (288mg/dl). I chased highs all night.

Day three I didn't want to do the same workout again but my desire to see some results trumped my boredom. I set my temp rate for -75% (in between the previous two days). My blood sugar stayed mostly steady during the ride and I finished with a perfect number. I immediately set a temp at 200% for 3 hous and at the same time bolused 2 units. I didn't chase highs all night :) I went to bed with normal blood sugar.

What did I learn? Well first of all 3 days of the same trainer workout was snooze inducing. I almost went for a 4th except that I was afraid of it causing me to avoid the trainer. I learned also that as much as I want to be and as much as I don't want to disappoint my friends, I have to admit that I am not in love with Battlestar Galactica. In fact after 2 full seasons while on my trainer, I sort of want to throw the discs out the window. I tried guys... but it bores me to no end.

The biggest thing I learned? I have a SERIOUS problem with post exercise highs. This frustrates me because I feel guilty when I am hungry after a workout because I know it will never end good. It also concerns me that my body requires SO MUCH insulin after supposedly working out. I mean, that much insulin means that there is glucose in my blood that needs to get into my body. Glucose = calories that I just spent an hour burning off.

I know from experience that I can go very low and often during evening workouts because I am very insulin sensitive at that time. But whatever I'm doing right now just doesn't seem to be good enough.

I thought about trying to NOT use a lower pre exercise temp basal, or maybe half the reduction. I am really interested in trying some other way of managing this. I am wondering what would happen if I eat something an hour ahead and not set a lower temp basal rate. I question if the food would sustain the exercise and maybe I won't dump so much glycogen and end up with those evil post exercise highs?

Any thoughts?

Are there people out there that are able to maintain normal blood sugar before, during and after exercise?!

Funky Monkey Snacks!

2012-01-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Pre-post info:
Funky Monkey Snacks are gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free, peanut and tree nut free and contain no added sugars, colours, flavours or preservatives. Funky Monkey Snacks are simply real fruit snacks, made using a proprietary freeze-drying process that creates fruit that crunches! while retaining nearly all of fruit's natural goodness.

When I was contacted and offered some samples of these I was like, HELLS YEAH! I love me some free samples. Especially of something that I can actually eat.

In one word, these snacks are: FANTASTIC!

I was sent 5 packets to try

Bananamon: Freeze-dried organic banana and cinnamon

JiveALime: Freeze-dried Pinaple and Lime Juice

Applemon: Freeze-dried apple and cinnamon

MangoOJ: Freeze-dried mango and orange juice

Pink Pineapple: Freeze-dried pineapple and guava

Also available:

Carnaval Mix: Freeze-dried organic banana, pineapple, apple and papaya

Purple Funk: Freeze-dried organic banana and acai

I received the 29g packages (they also have 12g size packages). I easily ate a whole package in one sitting. The larger packages claim to contain three of the four daily recommended servings of fruit. The carbs weren't difficult to manage at all. I didn't have any problems bolusing and managing. They average 25g carbs per 29g packet. The only thing I did wrong was not predicting I'd eat the whole thing. And I did, eat the whole thing.

This is truly a different kind of way to eat fruit. Sure there's dried fruit, dehydrated fruit and even some freeze dried fruit. Any of the freeze dried stuff I've had it pretty much disintegrates in your mouth because there's nothing left to it. Kind of like those nasty marshmallows in cereals. Funky Monkey is actually very VERY crunchy! Just like the package says! No false advertising here, and they all tasted really awesome!

Pink Pineapple

I loved the crunchy fruit. In fact I liked all the flavours. The Pink Pineapple was probably my favourite. The Applemon was a hit with my family too. How can you not love apples and cinnamon?

My brother being a good sport (even though he didn't know yet that he wouldn't like this flavour)

Bananamon

The ones who tried the Bananamon weren't too keen on it. I, on the other hand, liked the banana ones. They weren't as good as the others but I still.. um.. helped finish off the bag.

My niece having a go at the Applemon.

She totally loved them.

If you go to the Funky Monkey website it lists a bunch of stores that carry them. I've never seen them up here in Canada but I'm going to have a look around. When I can't find them (because that's always what happens) I'm definitely ordering online.

Dang those companies that make such good products that leave me scouring this lame province for them forever more.

Disclaimer:

Funky Monkey Snacks sent me these samples free of charge in exchange for a review

January 12 of 12

2012-01-16T08:00:00.005-05:00

See sidebar for other 12 of 12's.

I haven't done this the past two months. The 12th of November and the 12th of December were particularly nucking futs days. But here I am.. at it again!

1. The only important thing first thing in the morning.

2. I was sick all week with the worst cold I think I've EVER had. I took two days off work. Tissues and hand sanitizer on my desk were necessary.

3. I LOVE CHIPS. I love chips because I used to love crackers and then I went gluten free and was not impressed with my new cracker selection. Potato chips soon took over. I found this while I was out on my lunch break. I ate them the next day and they were quite tasty.

4. Driving home from work. Listening to a little CBC radio. That's my Niagara Falls Marathon medal which should probably come down now.

5. It was a very cold and very wet commute home. Traffic really sucked.

6. I wrote my last blog post about "The Book of Better"

7. Dinner. I hate eating dinner so this isn't really a meal. I LOVE grapefruit in a serious way. I sit there and peel it all apart segment by segment. I'm not sure if I'm in love with the fruit or the action more.

8. Site change night. The last time I was at the pharmacy they fucked up my order and gave me pen cartridge refills. I've been on the pump for over 3 years, wtf? I couldn't be bothered to take it all back.

9. I had great intentions to get on my trainer in the morning. I set all my stuff aside. But when my alarm went off at 4:30am the next day I woke up and still felt like a giant pile of poo.

10. Hot water bottle. I have quite possibly the coldest feet on the planet when I go to bed. They just simply don't warm up. I adore my fleecy covered hot water bottle.

11. I know, everybody is telling me I need to take my Christmas lights down but I love them so much!

12. End it on a stupid note? Um, yeah! After 4 days of the worst cold ever my nose was pretty red and scratchy. You can't see it in this picture, however after I took the picture I laughed so hard I had to share it.

The Book of Better

2012-01-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Life with diabetes can't be perfect, make it better.

There is a boatload of truth in that one sentence alone.

Yeah I know, I'm really behind here.
I received this book to read and review a couple months ago like a large portion of the DOC. I read it on the plane ride to Tucson last month and have been... well... procrastinating... obviously!

Overall, I very much enjoyed this book. I read it cover to cover and enjoyed almost all aspects of it. I am not a huge reader of these kinds of books because they are usually laid out in a much more boring stale format. I own a few diabetes books that put me to sleep. Too stringent with a side of finger wagging.

This book is the complete opposite. Although a lot of the points are the same as the stale books, but I read it all, without falling asleep and I enjoyed it. What can I say, I love me some iconography and creative presentation. I am drawn to creativity. I think I spent more time staring at the cute little pictures. But really, this book holds a lot of good information on how to be BETTER and how not to be so damn hard on ourselves. It holds a lot of good values and emphasis on how we can't be perfect but any little bit is better than nothing.

It's a great philosophy to accept into life with diabetes. And this book drilled it in over and over.

More than even the eye candy and graphics, the language in which it was written was super duper. I was a bit disappointed that there was no swear words but I imagined them there for myself. I know not everybody wants to read curse words. But seriously, it was more like a REAL person WITH diabetes wrote this from personal experience. Want to know why? Because that's the truth! The author, Chuck Eichten is design director at Nike Inc. and he has diabetes. I will be honest, just knowing that he is the design director at Nike was enough for me to want to read this book. I do have a love for sports equipment and clothing and thought this guy must be for real. The book is really written through the eyes of someone who exudes creativity and fun. Someone who is real. Someone who fully admits to fucking up a lot and learning from his diabetes kerfuffles.

HOWEVER, I won't be the first one to admit that his obsession with insulin pumps goes a bit too far. There's a whole huge chapter on how great the pump is and how every single diabetic on the face of the planet should have one or else they are failing as diabetics. I got it, the message came through bright and clear. I also hovered over that chapter without letting it effect me. I've said this to a few shooter uppers (aka MDI folks) over the past few years, "If I could make my diabetes work the way you do on shots, I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'd throw the pump out the window." There is a certain freedom that comes from not being tethered. The pump, for me, is a constant reminder. My days on MDI were so much more free. The shitty part? My diabetes suffered hardcore on shots. I struggled for 6 years until I was able to obtain a pump. I'd never go back (permanently) to shots. The point is, there are folks out there who do wonderfully on shots. Ahem, Sysy! Better than I could ever do on a pump.

So Chucks opinion is biased and not entirely accurate. The insulin pump is NOT better for everybody.

Some folks also found the text and background colours to be difficult to read. It was certainly a bit awkward but for a short cute book, it didn't bother me at all. To each his own.

There was so much in this book that would take me forever and a day to review each chapter. The chapter on food though? Hit home pretty hard with me.

"Every bite of food you take affects your diabetes. Every bite you don't take affects your diabetes. Every bite tips the balance or helps restore it. Every bite. All the time. No matter what."

And people wonder why I have such bad food issues.

Any way, I really loved this book! Please read it if you get a chance!

Three Rivers Press
I received this book at no charge in exchange for a review.

Sick and a bit twisted

2012-01-10T08:57:00.000-05:00

Last night was a long night.
I've caught a flu/cold and I can't really tell which it is. It's a bit of both. My weapons of choice to get sleep and ease a few of the symptoms is Neo Citran and NyQuil.

I thought the best way to attack a long night of sick would be to run my blood sugars a bit higher. I don't have a lot of problems with high BG's when I'm sick like most people do. In fact my BG tends to stay even keel for some reason.

I am always afraid of over the counter drugs that knock me the fuck out. I fear that I won't wake up to a low until it's really bad. See folks, I don't have a CGM full-time since it costs me way too much money out of pocket. Sometimes I set alarms in the middle of the night but normally I don't.

What was I saying? There was a point to this post.

DRUGS... why do they not have to have the nutritional info on the packages? Last night in the middle of the night I was drinking Neo Citran and taking Nyquil. It never occurred to me what is in the stuff. I was up so much during the night that I was able to watch my blood sugar react. The NyQuil did quite the number on me.

So Now, the morning after is when I have half a brain to look it up on the internet. So for the record, Neo Citran has 20g of carbs and one serving (can you really call it a serving?) of NyQuil has almost 20g also. Um.. yeah, 20 grams of uncovered carbs is enough to push me over the edge. Last night I had 3 packages of Neo Citran and one of NyQuil. 40g of carbs? OOOooo EEeeee.. Yup.

But I know now. Shouldn't they put that info right on the package? I don't think I need to resort to the internet for it.

I posted this video a long time ago but I feel the need to post it again:

NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil we love you, you giant fucking "Q"!

Sweating with sugar

2012-01-09T08:00:00.004-05:00

Diabetes, you bitch, you make no sense!

Yet, sometimes things can actually work out. Usually by mistake.

Friday night:

I went for a run after work. Since switching jobs I've had to pretty much re-teach my body to exercise in the evening again. I OH SO LOVED it in the morning. I ran my usual 11km route. It was odd and eerie because it was 6pm at night and of course because it's winter it's dark. I am used to that route at 6am when it is also... dark. My memory kept thinking it was morning but my body knew it was evening. It was like a twilight zone run. Very strange. 'Betes wise though, I set a -70% temp basal 1.5hours ahead of time. Midpoint in the run I was down to 3.6mmol/l (65mg/dl) so I had 2 little packages of honey. Near the end of the run I tested again and I was still at 3.6 which leads me to believe I ran practically the whole thing slightly low. I remembered why I loved the morning so much, because I don't have to do ANYTHING with my basal rates. Friday night, even though I finished the run low, I still bolused 1.5units of insulin AND set a +60% temp basal for 3 hours.

Saturday morning:

It's been awhile since I've gone to the Saturday morning spin class. I woke up at what I thought I remembered waking up to get there. I was waiting for the woman to put out the sign in sheet and when she wasn't I asked where it was and I was informed that I was an hour early. Oops. What's a person to do at the gym an hour early for spin class? work out some more I guess! But there was a problem. I didn't set a temp basal because it was early enough in the morning that I wouldn't need one. Except now, it's an hour later PLUS I will be putting an extra hour in before class. Luckily I ate a banana before I left the house and my BG was quite high. I spent some time on weights (which I absolutely hate doing) and quickly moved on and hopped on the elliptical for 45mins. By the time spin class started my BG had gone down quite a bit. I could have disconnected my pump all together but that never ends pretty with me. By the first interval break I chomped down a packet of rockets. Second interval, the other packet of rockets. When I got home I was low yet still set my +60% TBR. I'm glad I didn't go low during class but I had to keep a close eye on it. The rockets held me at bay nicely. Despite my utter dislike for consuming candy calories while working out. So frustrating.

Sunday afternoon:

Outside ride and I was looking forward to it! I did my usual. -70% TBR 1.5hours ahead. It was 4pm when I started and I was only planning to go out for an hour or so. I was on a very flat route so I practiced some high effort, high rpm consistent riding. I went out as far as I could in 30 minutes. The sun was setting fast and there were a couple parts of me that were just bitterly cold. I stopped to check my BG before heading straight back while trying to beat my time. 3.4mmol/l (61mg/dl). Are you kidding me?! I said "Fuck, no way" as I proceeded to swallow back a packet of fruit chews. Back on the bike to go back. Guess how I finished...? Low again. Yup. AND again, set my +60%TBR for 3 hours.

I would like to add that I really seriously froze my bum and thighs off. I'm not loving the bitter cold rides, especially alone.

So one would think after hundreds of workouts I'd have most of this figured out right? Not even fucking close. Every day is still a giant trial and error learning process. I feel like I need to put new blood sugar management plans into action for exercise. The hardest part is the time of day. Early morning (before 8am) I have one set of plans. Then plans for mid morning, different plans for afternoon, late afternoon and evening. As well as different management for running versus cycling.

I wish I came with an instruction manual.

I said "NO" but diabetes didn't listen

2012-01-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

I was at Shoppers Drugmart yesterday (akin to Walgreens) because someone told me peanut butter was on sale. Costco stopped stocking Kraft and instead started carrying Skippy so I have been in need of a new dealer.

I only planned to go in for peanut butter but I got distracted by a new cycling magazine called "Paved". When I saw the article on the front called "Life work racing against a deadly disease" I immediately knew it was about Phil Sutherland and I was right! So as I was standing there all of a sudden I felt low. Like super all of a sudden. As in my world shifted dramatically and quickly. I checked in at 4.9mmol/l (88mg/dl) which is not really all that low so I carried on over to the peanut butter. Except that now I felt really low. I guess I was dropping fast.
I just wanted to get out of there but then my low brain spotted holiday discount chocolate. OH-fucking-NO! I kept telling myself "NO" but as I grabbed chocolate goodies and balanced them in my arms I couldn't even stop myself. I mean, I have trouble passing sale chocolate on a normal day, never mind while being low. As my starving brain was trying to decide between which kind of chocolate to buy more of, my low was getting progressively worse.

I plodded out to my car with my 2 bags of chocolate and peanut butter and then I crumpled into my seat. I quickly mowed down a few glucose tablets and patiently waited. Whaaaat?! Yeah, I went for the nasty chalky gag-inducing glucose tablets while a big bag of sweet goodies sat on the seat next to me.

As I came out of my starving brain of hypoglycemia I looked over and thought, what have I done? You know how they say hypoglycemia can often be disregarded as someone being drunk? I think I experienced something like that because I didn't even remember buying all that chocolate!

This was during my lunchtime to boot. Post hypos usually leave me a bit nauseous and no desire to eat. I continued to sit there in my car eating chocolate. MAJOR SIGH!! (don't worry, I bolused for it.) I was pissed off.

I will be hiding this stuff somewhere in my house where I will hopefully forget it even exists.

The moral of the story? Don't go into the drug store while low.

Riding in the cold again

2012-01-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Okay.....

Winter bike riding? Not really fun.

I went out with a friend of mine for a ride the other day. I was pretty desperate to get a ride in since the holidays were a bit too lazy for my liking. We set off on a familiar route that would have been about 40km, it's essentially a giant rectangle. The first leg was great! I think we were pulling great speed and I felt really awesome. I was bundled up good and the only part of me that was cold was my face and toes.

Then we turned the corner and felt the wind that was just at our backs now pushing us sideways. I turned to my friend and said something about how the next turn we'll be riding into that wind. My body heat was slowly fading and my poor toes were going numb even with booties on and wool cycling socks. I don't know man, how to keep my feets from freezing. I don't know how cold it was but it was below freezing.

Up to this point we were enjoying the ride and chatting as we rode. Then we turned the next corner. We found the wind and the skies got really dark and dismal. I drafted behind him for a bit and then he drafted behind me for a bit. We climbed a small hill that felt like a fucking mountain with the headwind. I had to stop at the top because my heart was going to explode. Seriously, my HR was up to 193bpm. I wonder what happens when it gets beyond the max?

It was at this point I turned to my friend and said, "Do you want to take the next street and try to shave some distance off this ride?" He was huffing, puffing and nodding. We were barely moving at half the speed we were at the beginning of the ride. That wind was nuts.

I just can't ride the same kind of duration I would in the summer. The freezing cold kicks the shit out of me. It wasn't a huge short cut but it's what we had to work with. At this point it started lightly snowing. We got back to our meeting spot and it was now a full on blizzard. I had 6km left to get back to my house.

Riding in a blizzard? not fun. AT ALL. My face was fucking frozen and I couldn't see out of my glasses because they were caked in ice and snow. I couldn't see where I was going so I just kept close to the curb as best as I could. Hell, it was ONLY 6km!

I got home and sure enough the blizzard stops. It only figures.

Then I gave my bike a shower. Because how else do you clean your bike in the winter? It was caked in road salt. And it took me hours to warm up again.

I don't like this winter riding thing but even though its a freezing pain in the ass, it's still better than riding the trainer in my living room.

The circle of a year

2011-12-31T13:07:00.000-05:00

I'm joining the bandwagon. It's the end of 2011 so it's time to give a half assed recap complete with many links.

This year was mostly shit. FACT!
I rang in 2011 alone and asleep by 11pm. This would turn out to foreshadow much of my year.

It was difficult at best. My health was shit and my depression was immeasurable. I had so very little faith inside me and at times wished I could disappear. My running shoes would turn out to be one of the things that saved my life. I committed to them as I had nothing else to commit to. I signed up for races and running became my life. I could always trust in my shoes to make me feel better even when nothing else could. I could at least get a little endorphin rush.

I tried confiding in friends and family but in the end I pulled away from everything and everybody. Except my mother who took on the name "the rock" since she was constantly my solid ground.

In March I ran the Around the Bay 30km race. One I had never been able to see myself doing and at that time it was the farthest I had ever run. I did it, and when I finished I learned something about myself. My will and determination was going to get me through these difficult times. I also learned that 30km was fucking hard but another 12.2km makes a marathon and I'll be damned if I don't complete that.

I then hit a really REALLY bad patch of life that ate me alive. I wrote this and in return got so many supportive comments and personal emails that most certainly changed things. It took me a very long time and a boatload of friends, family and medications but I slowly dragged my ass back.

I took a road trip to Vermont that eventually changed my outlook as well. I started spending more time with Celine and learned about hills, speed intervals and connecting with another diabetic runner. A few good friends became closer friends through the power of the DOC. Sysy, Reyna, Jeff, Katie, Lindsay, Queenie... just to name a few who had influence on my outcome. I can't forget to mention my close family members who were like glue to me and held me together quite well.

Then in August I went on a life changing canoe trip with Connected in Motion that would connect me to even more amazing people.

The summer of 2011 was spent running for the most part. Running alone. Hours and hours of running alone.

Then as if no time passed at all, I finished my first marathon in October after a difficult night of diabetes malfunction.

The end of 2011 is going to go out with a bang. I have gained more new friends than I can shake a stick at in the past few months and I couldn't be happier. Between Connected in Motion, Team Type 1 and my blog I am feeling very full. I am working at a job I enjoy and for people I like. This year's book is going to be closed and I couldn't be more happy to start a new year. I successfully hit rock bottom in 2011 and thanks to great people, I crawled out of that hole and back into reality. I have a loving family and a great big group of loving friends. I persevered through hardships I thought might kill me and I lost 2 jobs while dealing with those things.

Then I turned the corner and opened my eyes. I discovered goodness in my disease. I discovered confidence again. I found a new Scully. 2012 is going to be a good year. I'll be racing with Team Type 1 while continuing to run as much as I can.

I don't agree with making resolutions. It's not my style. If change is going to happen it's gotta be me, not a list. I have lots of goals and things to look forward to but they are not etched in stone. So I will leave it at that.

Thanks to everybody who stood by me this difficult year, especially my family. If it weren't for you, I likely wouldn't be here. I mean that from every ounce of my being.

Happy New Year, GOOD RIDDANCE 2011!!

Face to Face at the Endo

2011-12-20T08:00:00.004-05:00

For the Flickr Group

There's nothing like a quarterly endo appointment to slap you in the face.

Diabetes is impossible to forget since it hogs my brain space nearly every moment of the day. It is, however, easy to forget what happens under the surface.

I forget that it is slowly destroying me from the inside out.

I forget that diabetes almost never gets better but continues to wreck different systems in my body.

I don't forget how much I dread going to the endo. As nice as my doctor is, I'm afraid to ask him any questions. The last time I asked if something was available in Canada he gave me a proverbial slap on the hand for believing the things I read on the internet.

I want to know what's going to happen to me? My eyes are very healthy. But the other parts of my body are not. Despite the rigorous exercise and healthy eating I am still slowly falling apart. Do all diabetics eventually end up with common problems? I'm coming up on 10 years.

My A1C went up by a smidge. He showed concern and I almost cried. My risk for heart disease is still in the excessively high zone. STILL. My cholesterol? well, that's a whole different ball game.

What's the reality? I'm 32 and I'm no where near the kind of life where I could even think about having children. I have a prescription for cholesterol meds. My doc makes a point of asking me at every appointment if I plan on having any kids. I always tell him yes, but my life is not conducive to that. I mean, I sort of need the other half of the mixture to create one of those little beans. I can't very well do it on my own. So he asks me every time and always with a look of concern. This time, there was no more time to wait. Now, with the advent of cholesterol meds in my inventory, it looks like the chance of children might be out of the picture. My cholesterol is waaaaay too high.

As a woman who wants kids, being told I'm running out of time is a hell of a big pill to swallow.

I still maintain that I don't understand why my cholesterol is so high. I'm seriously active and eat very healthy. I've been a vegetarian for 13 years. Why is my LDL so high?

The last time he brushed it off and said there's nothing I can do to change it because it's just the diabetes. The endo blamed diabetes.

What else is going on inside there? Are my kidneys going to start going next?

What exactly do I have to do to be at the level of a normal functioning pancreatic person? I live a healthier lifestyle than most with working pancreases.

I hate endo appointments. I hate the way they bring me face to face with diabetes.

'Tis the season...

2011-12-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

....to ride your bike in the freezing cold (?!)

Winter is here. I woke up this morning to a dusting of snow. I was already planning to go for a bike ride outside and I don't enjoy changing plans. Even though the warm couch on a Sunday was calling my name. Typically, I'm not a winter rider. My favourite days on the bike are the hottest days of the year. Riding in the cold weather just sounds miserable to me.

Road bikes are meant to go fast. The faster you go the windier it is. The windier it is the colder it is. I just don't understand how one can possibly stay warm! I was coming down the escarpment and my top speed was 56.3km/h. At -1C, I wonder what the wind chill factor is? Tears were streaming down my face by the time I got to the bottom of the hill.

I learned a few things on my ride though. Water bottles in cages? gross. I went to take a drink and it was like a gritty salt lick. Much like the road. Because there was some melted snow, the road salt and spray were covering me and my water bottles. Ergo, a nice sip of water turned into something totally gross.

I learned that I can't really stop for anything. I had to stop to check my BG half way through and the few seconds I had my hands exposed was enough to rid them of all their precious warmth. I mean, I'm glad I checked because I was down to 5.2mmol/l (94mg/dl) and needed to suck back a gel but I wish I hadn't had to stop. It took a solid 15 minutes of hard riding before I could start feeling my fingers again. I also used a hand warmer in my meter case just like the days of last winter.

I learned it takes me a long time to get dressed! I had a pair of long pants. On top of that my cycling shorts, then my leg warmers. A long sleeve top, a riding jersey, arm warmers and then my jacket. A neck gaiter, A cap for under my helmet and a pair of gloves under mitts. Then socks, shoes and booties. I fought with my pump and my bib shorts as well as my shuffle and ear buds. I felt like a kid getting ready to go and play in the snow only to have to pee once I was dressed. Except I didn't have to go pee. I was just really hot. But y'know what? My legs and core were warm the whole time. It was just my hands, feet and face that were unhappy.

I got the wheezy-achy-cold-lung post ride cough for a couple hours. Didn't enjoy that.

It was sort of fun, the cold made me want to work harder to stay warm and I felt like I really pushed myself. Cold weather running is certainly easier and there's no gritty dirty bike to clean.

Also... do you think it's possible to get dehydrated via the nose? holy snot buckets.

I don't love it, the cold weather rides. I'll deal with it though, because my living room is a brain sucker. I loved getting out on the road. I always feel so much stronger outside seeing things fly by. It really gave me a bit more motivation. I don't care what kind of indoor trainer you have, nothing will mimic the road quite like the real thing.

TEAM TYPE 1 and ME

2011-12-16T08:00:00.007-05:00

It has taken me awhile to find enough quiet time to sit down and write this. There are reasons but I actually didn't want to be all sappy and emotional. However, a close friend of mine said that she feels she speaks for my readers as well when she said you guys might appreciate an emotional Scully.

This past weekend I went to Tucson, Arizona. As some of you know I was recently added to the Team Type 1 Woman's cycling team. You might also know that I was (and still am) so totally stoked about this. Like bouncing off the walls while giggling and drooling kind of stoked. The entire TT1 family flew down to Arizona from all over the world to spend the weekend in a seriously up-scale desert resort. It was out of this world. Especially for a Canadian gal who's never even really seen a real cactus outside of the tropical plant section at the nursery. I mean, this place was so phenomenal it literally took my breath away. The scenery and the resort were both completely idyllic.

Nature's lancet

It started out Scully style to boot. I arrived at the airport and could see TT1 logos all over the place. I stood there waiting for my luggage as I could feel my blood sugar dropping. I munched on a few crackers thinking that would keep it at bay. The moment I get into the minibus (with 4 others) I had to whip out my glucose tablets. It was at that moment with a glucose tab in each cheek that 2 others started offering me things. I was deliriously happy and comfortable at the same time. Damn I love people who "get it".

The time went fast and the hours were jam packed the entire time. After arriving late Friday afternoon and making my way through the resort to my room I took a short walk around. I needed to take in some of this landscape in whatever way possible. I met my room mate and to be honest, I was a bit floored and honoured. About half the team are returning girls and the other half are brand spanking new. I got to room with Anne. I have been using Anne's training schedule as reference so I know she is a power house and a force not to be reckoned with on a bike. I feel pretty inferior to the girls with big cycling experience and I was really excited to be roomed with one of the girls I look up to. Thanks for the little walk among the cacti Anne!

I got to finally meet Kori Seehafer, the woman's team coach and retired pro racer at the top level! This woman knows her stuff and it's an honour to have her coach me. I can only hope to become half the athlete she is. I met the rest of the woman's team both new and returning athletes. Everybody is so great and I was glad to see that I wasn't the only girl giddy as all hell to be there. I really enjoyed meeting them all and now having faces to put with the names to the never-ending hilarious emails about nail polish and khakis. :)

Imagine this, 150 type 1 diabetics in one place. Imagine, 150 type 1 diabetic ATHLETES in one place. There aren't a lot of words that can accurately describe the intensity of the bond this delivers. I mean, I've been around the diabetic block now a few times. I am not new to being around other T1's. I have great real life friends that I've met through my blog and Connected in Motion and I wouldn't change it for the world. Diabetics are some of the best people I've ever met. There is just something about sharing this disease (yes, it IS a disease) and all the constant struggles that come along with it, with lots of other people. You can't help but instantly bond with these folks.

This shit is for real!

Anne and Mark

Becca and Daniel enjoying some general hilarity.

After picking up our new clothes and drooling all over the place because I was so excited, we all spent some time taking in a TT1 info session. I remember thinking, "This is it, I am going to be complete!"

The following day was mayhem. We all attended hours of seminars and meetings. I learned more about TT1 then I had ever imagined. The goals and direction of the organization and how they are all so passionate about getting out there and spreading the TT1 word. More races, more sponsors, more everything! It was really encouraging and exciting.

We had individual and team photos done by professional photographers. I've never sat in that "seat" before and I'm pretty sure I seemed awkward. I found everything very enthralling. I really enjoyed listening to all that they had to say. What I learned the most, beyond anything was that I am a part of something HUGE. I had no idea what I was getting into. None, what-so-ever. This is far beyond my wildest dreams. I am a part of something so influential, inspiration and motivational that I can't even begin to imagine where this will go.

I had an hour or so to kill before the big evening event. There was no choice about it, I had to find a quiet place. I have a lot of anxiety, there is nothing new about that. I was overjoyed with the landscape and scenery too as I've never been to Arizona. Add to that being totally and completely overwhelmed with TT1 joy that I can barely contain myself and I was a recipe for disaster. I took a walk and found a really serene rock in the middle of the resort golf course. I sat there for awhile talking to myself (out loud of course). How did I get here? How did I get involved with this? Just what the fuck is my purpose? I couldn't understand how something so big could happen to me and I had to talk myself down from an anxiety induced precipice. I was filled with so much happiness it was pouring out of my ears. I am the token Canadian (myself and one other guy from Montreal) and wonder just how I can spread the TT1 word up here in Canada. After my talk, I began to understand a little bit better.

Saturday night was a royal event. I got to meet Phil's mom Joanna, some members of the pro team and what seemed like an endless amount of awesome people all across the organization! I was sick with exhaustion but so utterly grateful for these folks even though they insisted I stay up till midnight to celebrate my birthday. I went to bed that night very late but with very little care because I had the time of my life. My mouth hurt from smiling. My belly hurt from laughing. My throat hurt from talking so much. I couldn't have asked for anything else!

The man of the hour. Founder and pro cyclist Phil Sutherland. When asked "In one word what would you say when I say the word diabetes?"

His answer? "AWESOME" while throwing his hands up in the air.

His speeches are genuine. This man was born to inspire! I sat there after he walked off the stage almost with tears in my eyes. ALMOST. He fills the room with incredible energy with his presence.

The men's pro team

Marcus accepting his Amateur Athlete of the Year award. YOU deserved it Marcus! The standing ovation we gave you was real.

I thought I was joining a cycling team that happened to be big on diabetes advocacy. I thought I'd be riding with a TT1 jersey. I thought I'd be sponsored and get some races paid for. I thought I'd have access to a world class coach and it would help me grow into a strong cyclist. What I didn't realize is that jersey represents a world of opportunities. A family that I belong to all striving for the same thing. A community of diabetic athletes fighting to prove that we can do anything.

I came away from that weekend with a bigger heart. A more full heart. I feel like I truly belong to something bigger than life. This is something that is so near and dear to me as I have slowly let diabetes into my life as a partner instead of something I was spending every day resenting. You can't help but fall in love with all those diabetic athletes! We were all there for a similar purpose. To prove that this thing called diabetes is what makes us so strong. Exercise and diabetes are quite lethal together, this is not anything new. It takes a very determined and disciplined person to run and cycle and train for things. It takes even more to manage it with diabetes. I'm sorry, but only diabetics will get that!

I know there is plenty more that I wish to write but then this post would be as long as Phil Sutherland's book ;).

All I know is how I feel. I am honoured to be a part of this team. I am HONOURED to think that I might be able to instill hope and inspiration into someone else the way TT1 has for me.

From the TT1 website,

DREAM . ACHIEVE. INSPIRE

LIVING WITH DIABETES

To all the folks I met, THANK YOU!

Dangerously Sleep Deprived

2011-12-13T08:00:00.001-05:00

I just spent the weekend in Tucson, Arizona for my first Team Type 1 camp. There is a plethora of things to write about with regards to that. So much that I can't even write about it yet. That's a lie, I just haven't had enough time to sit down and write about it.

Why? Because I have been dangerously sleep deprived.

I am not someone that can function on a few hours of sleep on a regular basis. However, a few hours of sleep every once in a while is manageable. This past week for me has gone like this: 4 out of 6 nights I slept for less than 3 hours. Then it happened two nights in a row. I will admit full on that it was totally worth it. The fun I had on Saturday night staying up late with the other members of TT1 was amazing. My mouth hurt from smiling and my stomach hurt from laughing. I figured I could catch some sleep on the long flights home but I didn't.

After getting home on Sunday I had already purchased tickets to a concert I was dying to go to. It was also my birthday. I was willing to do anything to get to that show. The only problem? I didn't get home and to bed until 2am and subsequently had to be up at 5:30am to get to work.

Monday was one of the worst sleep deprived days I've ever experienced. Add to the fact that it was my first day back at an old job. I had to somehow appear normal. I owe a major thanks to my old boss who offered to carpool my ass thus saving myself and others around me from a certain car accident.

The point of the post? that I am appreciative to my close friends who are there for me when I need them. All day Monday I was having trouble keeping my blood sugar up. Perhaps it was because I was walking around dead, perhaps because with sleep deprivation comes lack of appetite. Whatever the cause, my blood sugars were being a pain. After I got home from work and from the longest day of my life I was afraid to go to sleep.

What if my low blood sugars continue to trend downward? Once I hit the pillow I knew I would be like a sack of potatoes. I am usually a light sleeper but I knew I would be more comatose. So I asked a couple friends to send me text messages in the middle of the night. I asked them to call me if I didn't reply. So with every text message I got up and checked my blood sugar before going into another sleep coma.

Sure I could have set alarms but knowing myself, I'd turn the alarm off and roll over. At least with the friends, I have to be coherent enough to reply which means awake enough to check my BG. Although I live alone, letting someone know was a big step for me. My blood sugar didn't crash all night and I'm so grateful for that.

This is a long post full of not a lot of interesting things. I just wanted to drill home how much I appreciate my friends. Also, I wanted to show just how serious major sleep deprivation can be. It left me afraid to go to sleep and not sure what to do.

Love/Hate relationship with my CGM

2011-12-06T09:05:00.000-05:00

It's a love/hate relationship.

Yesterday I started feeling sick with a cold. Complete with light-headed feeling and all. I went out to run a few errands. Last time I checked my CGM it was on it's way up with arrows and all. I had a banana for breakfast which usually makes my blood sugar sky-rocket.

Upon arriving home I felt even MORE light headed. It was like I was really high on drugs. I thought at that moment, hmm.. maybe I should check my blood sugar. Since I keep my pump in my cleavage, I won't check the CGM as often since it requires fishing it out of my bra. My blood sugar was at 2.4mmol/l (43mg/dl). I wasn't getting the usual sweaty shaky tunnel vision symptoms I normally get. I simply felt light-headed. So I grabbed a juice box and flopped on the couch. Just as I was sucking back the last little bits from the bottom of the container did I hear the familiar descending tone of my CGM detecting a low blood sugar. I laughed, out loud.

I love the info the CGM provides but the delay can be frustrating. I later saw that the banana did a quick little spike (not as high as it should have gone) and then came down really fast. Had I checked the graph earlier I would have been able to SEE it, but like I said, it didn't occur to me to go fishing in my cleavage. Combine that with my head cold sky high brain and I can see where it all went wrong. But that's just one little incident.

After this mornings low'ish skirt around the low threshold. It was accurate at least but annoying as fuck.

I'm still trying to find a place in my life to justify the CGM. It's such a love/hate relationship. It's not very trustworthy when I'm exercising because of the delay. It's not very trustworthy at any point in the day really. The soul purpose of this thing so far that I've been able to find is being able to watch the trends and learn that pretty much everything I eat fucks my blood sugar violently. It does very little else aside from keeping me awake all night long with it's incessant alarms.

But even after saying that, I do love it. It has been the only tool I've had that has helped to bring down my A1C. The only problem with that is that I simply can NOT afford it 24/7 at $50 a sensor.

Oh the relationship woes.

Transportable Glucagon

2011-12-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

I recently got my ass in gear and got myself a couple boxes of Glucagon. The one I had on hand expired in 2008. Um... not exactly usable right?

The only thing is that when you order Glucagon around this part of the world, this is how it comes:

Not exactly the most protective and transportable right?

I brought the other box over to my parents house. I figured I spend a lot of time over there so having a box at my house and their house seemed like the most appropriate. It does me absolutely no good when I'm in neither of those place though. I've never carried this stuff on me, in fact I didn't even know how to use it. Not that there's a lot to know. The point is I read the insert once many many years ago.

So I was telling my mum how to use it, when to use it and what to expect. She asked me why I didn't carry it in my purse and I told her that it would fall apart after months of being carried around in my bag.

So just like my mum who has an art of making something out of nothing, comes up with an idea.

A travel toothbrush case!

Yeah it's kind of big but it's safer and easy to carry.

I now have one tucked in the bottom of my purse for the first time in over 9 years.

Other Canadian D-folks out there, what do YOU do?

Like a Squirrel... on Crack

2011-12-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

I miss you blog. I miss writing and ranting about stupid shit.

So I got fired from my job. It's not a story I feel like sharing because I don't feel the circumstances were just. But lets not dwell on the bad shit because less than 12 hours later I was taken back at one of my old jobs that I truly loved. It will be a bit different but I will be much happier there.

That's not the story I want to tell you.

I haven't been feeling like myself. I've been feeling like a fucking squirrel on crack. My heart has been racing, my nerves shot. I feel like my body is vibrating constantly. And no, not the good kind of vibrations. It feels like I'm constantly over caffeinated when I've only had one cup of coffee.

When I got home last night I did laundry, and washed all my dishes. I cleaned my house and was flip flopping around the house like.. well, like a squirrel on crack! I had trouble getting to sleep, I had trouble staying asleep and woke up wide a-fucking-wake at 4am. My alarm was set to go off at 4:30. I jumped out of bed like I had a full 8 hours sleep when really I only slept for about 4 hours.

I leaped around the house and got ready for spin class. It could have been 3 in the afternoon for all I knew. It didn't feel like 5am. I was WIRED!!! I found myself dancing to the music as I scraped all the frost off my car while it was warming up and the radio was on. I bet my eyes were bulging out of my skull.

I went to spin class, my BG's were a bit high which is fine. I don't use temp basals in the morning, I don't do anything special at that time in the morning actually. It's great. Spin class was a mind fuck. I couldn't seem to work out my body enough. When she said 70% I had it at 80%, so on and so forth. I was always a beat ahead and pushing it harder than EVER. It was never enough though. It wasn't enough for me to feel it. Yet the whole time in the class it felt like my blood sugar was plummeting but it kept steady on the slightly higher side. I could barely keep my eyes open yet, I felt like I had drank an entire pot of coffee. I was spinning away, sweating away yet I was feeling low. It felt like I was high on drugs, yet I was so sleepy. It was like I was in the twilight zone.

After spin class I changed into some less sweaty clothes and went and did a bunch of weight training. I still felt like superman. I did more reps than usual and still felt strong.

Then I came home, didn't even shower and crawled into bed. I needed to sleep like nobodies business. So I crashed hard for two hours. Gross right? Like, I need a shower big time but could barely make it to my bed.

Here I sit, I've just woken up from my nap and I am still vibrating. It feels like I'm low but I'm just fucking high (as a kite, not like High BG). I DO NOT ENJOY THIS FEELING! Let's get that straight. I don't know what's going on inside my body to make me feel like a squirrel on crack. I thought the nap would help mellow things out. It definitely did not. I was disappointed to discover I still feel this way.

what's wrong with me? I recently doubled my dose on my antidepressants as per doctors orders. But that was 2 weeks ago. I was thinking out loud to a good friend who has a bit more knowledge on these things than me. I thought that I am kind of sort of "happy" for real and wondered if that is causing too much of the good stuff in my brain thus making my worlds collide. As a result... squirrel on crack? He assured me not to worry. But I really don't like this.

Adjusting to new madness

2011-11-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

I've been vacant in the blogosphere but it's been for a good reason. I've had very little free time to write. It's not a lack of things to write about either. My workout schedule has been pretty intense and when it comes down to the couple hours that I have left to myself everyday, I need to use that time as my mental downtime. Be that what it may.

So, here I am to share what this here body of mine has been up to. First of all, I was out riding on the weekend when I realized the marathon was ONLY 1 month ago!

Bike training is a lot like running. 3 weeks of getting progressively harder and then a rest week. Wash, rinse, repeat. I am currently spending 6-8 hours on the bike while increasing an hour or two each week. The workouts vary by type. Just like running. Tempo is still tempo and speed intervals is high cadence intervals for example. I go to spin class twice a week but most of the workouts are done on the trainer due to the weather. I'm trying to get outside every weekend but the cold weather and my lack of cold weather riding gear is making it hard for me to be out for too long.

It's been a bit of a struggle to acclimatize myself to a very different routine. Before, it was just... run. Run for 5km, run for10km, run for 25km. But overall, run. I always ran in the morning and I never wrote anything down, or recorded any of my data because it was all on the Garmin software. But now, I'm being instructed to record my sleep, eating and diabetes habits along with every single average and max. heart rate, speed and cadence number for each individual interval. It's taken some getting used to but I do love seeing the spreadsheet when the week is all filled out.

So I'm getting used to it. I have to plan my week out ahead of time to make sure I have the time to fit the workouts in and make time for extra workouts when something comes up. Cuz shit inevitably always comes up. This means it could be morning or evening or both. Yup. I'm pulling double duty workout days. Why? Because I refuse to give up my running. Right now I'm trying to fit at least two 11km runs in a week and hopefully once my body adjusts to the intensity of the training I can get a long run in each week or at the very least every other week. Can you tell I don't do anything else with my time outside of work and exercise?

It has been FUN! I'm really enjoying learning new things and finding out just what I'm capable of. I love having access to a professional coach and I look forward to seeing myself get stronger and faster for a change thanks to that. Instead of the "one pace wonder", right Celine?

As for the Betes? it has surprisingly been behaving itself. It hasn't been easy though. I am basically winging it all the time. It depends on which workout I'm doing and when. And no two weeks are ever the same. Running was one thing but with high cadence trainer rides vs. spin class vs. tempo rides etc etc etc... there's really no two days that are alike. I'm constantly monitoring and re-adjusting from one temp basal rate to the next.

I can't wait to share more. Well, except for the one big thing that has been plaguing me. I have learned lately that running was the only thing that keeps me "regular". Now without the constant running... well, there's less things moving. TMI maybe but c'mon, it's ME you're talking about. Clearly, nothing is really TMI for me.

A Run, A Mental Run

2011-11-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

How do you know when you’re tired? When your body maybe needs a rest?

There’s those runs. Sometimes they start out achy and sore right away. Then 2 or 3 km into the pain disappears and you have a super wicked good run. Then there’s the times where you start out achy and sore right away. Then after 2 or 3 km the pain doesn’t go away. This morning I had one of those runs.

By 2km I still felt pretty wrecked. My legs were sore and screaming and my heart rate was a good 8-10 beats higher than normal yet I was running 30 seconds/km slower. I kept going, waiting for the relief but it never arrived. The thing is, there’s no way to know which kind of run it’s going to be without continuing with it. I was running up a long gradual hill, with a strong headwind on a somewhat rural road with fields on either side and no streetlights. Two coyotes crossed the road right in front of me. I thought about turning around, I also thought about running faster but neither of those things happened. Luckily, I didn’t get eaten by coyotes and live to blog another day.

Then I started talking to myself. I wasn’t upset or angry or in so much pain I wanted to scream. It was more of a “it is what it is” situation and I thought a good ol' conversation would help distract me. I was 5km into an 11km run. I was pretty much the farthest away from home at that point. There was no short cut, the only way back home was to keep on running. No matter how slow or how labored.

I told myself that despite the pain, “I can do this.” I woke up at 4:30am 5 days in a row. I ran, I went to a couple spin classes and I rode the trainer in my living room. I woke up at 4:30am today, Friday. I put on my running clothes. I laced up my shoes. It was all my choice. I chose to wake up that early. I chose to lay all my clothes out the night before in preparation. I chose to get out and sweat in the cold long before the sun comes up. It was my choice.

I didn’t have any responsibilities to anybody. Not even myself. I didn’t HAVE to run. This may have been day 5 in a row of early morning workouts but it was also day 6 in a row out of 7 that I will be working out. There was nobody I owed it to, not even myself. But there I was, running in the pitch dark at the crack of dawn. Legs hurting and breathing labored. Oh man I needed this.

So myself and I had a conversation. We talked about the things that are stressing me out. We talked about why I needed that run so bad no matter how sore my legs were. After the run I had a long commute to work, to a job which is not secure right now and I’m risking losing. To a day of sitting at my desk and listening to construction workers in the unit next to us. To a long ass Friday work day after a seriously anxious week.

This was one of those runs where the mental aspect of running is what got me through. Talking to myself (out loud). Listening to my more labored than usual breathing. Pushing through legs that wanted to stop but a desire that refused.

I thought about the pain and what I did all week to get to that pain. I know that’s my body’s way of saying it needs a rest day. I’ve been pushing it too hard consecutively for too many days in a row. I can’t wait till Sunday. Sunday is rest day and I’m going to enjoy it!

So how do you know when your body needs a rest? When you have to rely on talking to yourself while running.

Woe is she, fake weight gain and free test strips to give away

2011-11-18T08:33:00.000-05:00

I was wandering through the grocery store at lunch. I needed cheese. You don't understand, I NEEDED cheese. There I was trying to decide between cheese string and baby bel when I was interrupted by a very needy woman. This woman was riding in one of those electric chair things with the bright orange flags. She was quite, um, large. She was also quite chatty. She was one of those types who talk to complete strangers like they care. I'm not saying I didn't care, I'm just not a fan of one-way conversations with strangers. When I saw that her chair seemed to be broken and not moving I, like any normal human being, got concerned.

Except for the fact that she was now talking my ear off telling me about her 18 year old son and this and that and blah blah... I quickly grabbed whatever cheese I had my hand on. My only concern was, can this woman get to where she's going? Do I need to go get a store clerk or maybe push her all the way home? I could not walk away knowing she needed help. So I tried, through more stories of god knows what, to see if she needed my assistance. She kept saying "no". So I didn't push the matter. She said, "Oh I can walk, just not far." And then it happened. She looked at me with that "feel sorry for me" face. You know, head slightly tilted, eyebrows raised and furrowed and she said following a big sigh, "arthritis". Like I'm supposed to get it or something. Next thing I know she's going on AND ON about her chair and her arthritis.

I said nothing aside from the comment, "Machines, you can't trust 'em." while simultaneously walking away. I got around to the other side of the shelf and she was STILL talking to me!

I couldn't get that look on her face and the pity in her voice out of my mind when she said "*sigh* arthritis". I mean no disrespect to anybody out there who suffers from arthritis. I just have issues with that face. I know why too. It's the same face I get from the occasional stranger when they find out I have diabetes. Yeah, diseases just seem to illicit the "poor you" or in this woman's case the "poor ME" attitude.

Later I had a doctor's appointment. Between the different kinds of meds and the upping of the doses of meds and the therapy, I am now scheduled to see a psychiatrist. For fucksake. 'nuff said.

I took a picture of the waiting room for the Waiting with Diabetes group on Flickr. I was in there for insulin and Glucagon prescriptions too. My Glucagon expired a million years ago and it's been in a box in the basement. I don't even know how to use it. SO, I'm trying to change that. Be a better more prepared diabetic. It was a bit unfortunate when she had no idea what Glucagon was and I had to explain it to her. In her defence, she is just my GP and not my endo but whatever. What made the appointment even more irritating is when she walked into the room and saw me.

The first thing she said was, "Have you gained weight?"

*sigh*

Who says that? not even my doctor, I don't care. The thing that bugs me the most about this has nothing to do with vanity because I'm totally happy with my body. It's that I've ramped up my exercise even more since the marathon. My entire body has changed a lot over the past year. I have not lost any weight per say, it's just been re-distributed. I've gained muscle where I never had it before and lost fat where I did have it before. My clothes all fit different. Not tighter, just... different. They are tighter around my quads and looser around my waist.

It was just disheartening to hear that. Thanks lady. You kind of just shit in my cornflakes.

Lastly, I accidentally bought the wrong box of test strips the other week. I asked for Freestyle Lite and without looking the woman gave me Freestyle regulars. I tried exchanging them but due to the item being medical they would not exchange. After contacting Abbot, they sent me a replacement box of Lite strips but they won't take the old ones back. They told me to "dispose of them in the manner that I dispose of my medical waste." I'm thinking, in the garbage with everything else? The only thing I dispose of properly is my sharps. But again, because they are "medical supplies" I am to throw them out. They are in an unopened box that doesn't expire until December of next year.

"Use me, abuse me, fill me with blood and then throw me out. Just don't let me go to waste!"

If you use a regular Freestyle meter or know somebody who could use 100 free strips, please email me or comment below. I can't possibly throw them away. I have to see them go to use. I know how precious test strips are.

My DiabeTees Day

2011-11-15T08:05:00.000-05:00

Mr. Jeff Mather came up with the idea of International Diabe-Tees Day. Can I just say that the folks in the DOC are some of the most creative people out there? Just where do they come up with all these neat ideas? I have no ideas, I am just a sheep and follow.

Baaaaah!

So here is my T-shirt. You'll have to excuse the photo. I took a bazillion pictures but this was the only one that kinda slightly sorta turned out. I was getting frustrated taking so many pictures so this ended up being the only decent one. Cut me some slack, it was late, I was tired and I had just showered after being on the trainer. I also could not wear this all day as it would have been inappropriate office attire. When are they going to quit making us wear ugly work clothes? Please ignore the stupid look on my face, just focus on the T-shirt.

(It says, "CAN-D-GAL, WDD 2011")

So the Canada flag kind of turned out orange. I tried, but couldn't get it to print red. Do you think I am dissing Canada by showing a half faded ugly flag? Sorry about that, blame my dad's inkjet printer.

Lately I've come to realize that the name of my blog, if shortened, sounds like "Candy Gal". That totally rocks and was completely unknown to me until just recently.

Can-D-Gal. Get it?

Thanks Jeff

I'm glad that this month of arts and crafts is over. Between the T-shirt, postcard and scrapbook, I'm ready to put that shit away.

To all who have changed my outlook

2011-11-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

It's World Diabetes Day! Have you hugged a diabetic yet? cuz I could really use one.
You were probably expecting my 12 of 12 today. Or maybe not, but I was. I failed this month and it's a shame because I love it when 12 of 12 falls on the weekend. Saturday, the only time I had to myself was when I was in my car on my way somewhere. 2 hour trainer ride at 7am in my living room, nieces 3rd birthday which was mayhem because nobody was ready in time, then off to Toronto for an evening of more hilarity and mayhem (read below.) Needless to say it would have been a most exciting 12 of 12 to date. Sadly my hands were full most of the time. Literally. I couldn't even reach into my pocket and pull out my iphone to take pictures.

So no 12 of 12 this month and no special WDD post. (though I DID make a T-shirt Jeff, don't fret, I'll post the picture tomorrow!)

Onwards............

Good things CAN come from bad situations.

I have type 1 diabetes and that SUCKS! For years since being diagnosed at 22 I would dwell on the disease and what it took away from my life. I hated that I was diseased. I hated that I was alone. I hated that for the rest of my life I was forced to manage a disease that is COMPLETELY unmanageable.

It still sucks, I still hate it and it is still completely unmanageable. The difference now though, is that I have genuinely and finally accepted it into my life.

When I started blogging and I was coming up with a blurb to write for my profile that displays beside my picture I wrote, "...and will somebody please help me fill my pessimistic diabetes glass?!". When I wrote that I remember thinking that will always stand true. I will always be a pessimist and I'll probably never let my diabetes allow me to love myself. Then one day, a couple months ago I was doing some general maintenance on the blog and I removed that sentence. I did it because after I read it, it just didn't seem like me any more. It didn't suit me. It occurred to me that I am NOT pessimistic about my diabetes any more. I don't dwell on the fact that I have a life-long battle with a disease. A chronic medical condition. I am living proof that you can do this. (With a little help from your friends.)

For someone like me to go from chronically pessimistic to accepting was something I could have never foreseen. I thought I would forever let my diabetes get me down, cuz that's just how I roll.

Since I started blogging a year and a half ago my life with regards to diabetes has turned around. It happened slowly and over the course of many months. There are a handful of key reasons. Connecting with a zillion other bloggers out there and joining the DOC was huge. Making some very close friends who I email on an almost daily basis (you know who you are!) has been heartwarming. But there are a specific few things that I owe it to more than others. I owe it to fellow D-blogger Celine for meeting me (a stranger) for coffee that one snowy afternoon at Starbucks. For turning into my real life friend and someone I can confide in, run with, cycle with and have long talks over wine and tea with. I would have never met her if it weren't for this wretched disease. I owe it to my recent acceptance onto the women's cycling team for Team Type 1. I never would have ventured this deep into a world of cycling and I wouldn't be on TT1 if I didn't have diabetes.

Lastly, I owe it to Connected in Motion. Another thing I wouldn't be involved with if it weren't for diabetes. Saturday night held a most entertaining fundraising evening of fantastic live music, games, and general hilarity. There just aren't words to describe what happens when you get so many PWD and their supporters together. I can't explain it!!! Driving home from Toronto at 1:30am my throat was coarse and my ears were ringing. I could BARELY stay awake for the almost hour drive (could've had something to do with waking up a 6am to get my workout in though). I had a smile plastered on my face going over the evenings' events. I met new people and old people. I got to see some new friends and I loved that. Got to watch people make complete asses out of themselves playing that dancing game. Definitely the highlight of the night! Though I REALLY wanted to win that jar of Jelly Belly's, it's probably better that I didn't!

I spoke with a man who was dragged there by his wife. They had heard about CIM through a friend of a friend (or something like that) and he really didn't want to go. He was very recently diagnosed with T1. We started talking about the insulin pump and some benefits to it. The conversation then just turned to talking about diabetes in general the way us PWD often do. He was utterly grateful to talk to someone for the first time in his young diabetic life who understood and was able to sympathize with how shitty of a deal T1 really is. It got even more amusing when my blood sugar crashed and I went low in the middle of our conversation. After that he kept thanking me for going low because it was the first time he witnessed somebody else suffering through what only he knew.

I remember telling him, I wish I had something like CIM or the DOC early on in my diagnosis. I wish I had the kind of support and understanding you can only get from other PWD. I look back and wonder how I even managed to keep going all those years. I know I was living but was I really living or was I just barely existing? I was not living well, and definitely not living happy. Everything has changed now.

Saturday night's Slipstream in the City event simply further nailed it into my psyche. That was it, that was the last thing to permanently instill in my brain that I am okay with having diabetes. These folks are simply amazing.

Please watch this video. It's a culmination of 3 years of Connected in Motion adventures. 3 years of type 1 diabetics CONNECTING and understanding and supporting.

Complete video and editing credit goes to Hank DeVos of Dreamsoft Productions.

Thank you to all who have changed my outlook.

From two shoes to two wheels, my happy news.

2011-11-11T08:37:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday. Happy Blue Friday!
I had a couple days of feeling like utter shit as a result of stress and anxiety. I woke up this morning feeling much more normal and perhaps I had a smile on my face as I thought about how excited I am to publish this post. This has been on my mind for MONTHS! I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I can type as fast as I think yet it has been really hard to formulate a post for this. Most of the reason for that is because I am trying not to gloat and make anybody feel bad. There are people that I really care about out there who would kill for this opportunity that, in essence, almost fell into my lap.

Here, read for yourself:

A long time ago, like 5 months ago in June I was ready to blow my brains out. Not literally, well almost literally. I went through a difficult time and started grasping at straws searching for reasons to remain earthbound. Severe depression and some grief added in for good measure had me wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life. For the record, I'm still not sure what the hell I'm going to do with my life but I'm not so on the edge of throwing myself off a cliff any more. Good right?

There are two things in my life that make me genuinely happy. Running and cycling. I had been taming the running beast and was happily beginning my journey through marathon training. But deep down inside my heart has always secretly wanted to expand my adventures in cycling.

Up to this point I have ridden for a number of years. In the past couple years I have spent hundreds of hours riding thousands of kilometers on my bike. Almost entirely alone. Once, I rode 115km of road on my mountain bike. Worst decision ever but an adventure was definitely had! I think it was after that day that I decided I had a hankering for road riding. There aren't many things that make me happier than loading up my saddle pouch with snacks, plugging in the music and disappearing for up to 5 or 6 hours on my bike.

ENTER TEAM TYPE 1

I contacted Team Type 1 for information on how I could possibly get involved. No, I've never raced. No, I have never really had any group riding experience. No, I don't belong to a club. The list went on. Throughout the conversation I had with the woman's cycling coach I got a good load of information on where to start and how to get involved. She suggested I go out, get experience and contact them again next season.

Except for at the time, I had committed myself to a summer full of running races and had mostly given up on my bike for the time being which was fine with me. I was consumed with my running and was okay with going full steam into the cycling world next season. At the same time I was discouraged because I didn't have what it takes to join teams and race bikes. I had loads of hours in the saddle, that wasn't a question but those hours are all solo. I started looking into it in preparation for later. I tried some cycling shops but all I got was a stuck up nose and a snarky attitude everywhere I went. All I wanted was a group of people to ride with! Ones that wouldn't drop me because I wasn't as fast, or because I needed to test my blood sugar. To be honest, the diabetes is what kept me away because I couldn't find a down-to-earth group of people. I know that doesn't sound like me right? But cycling folks are SO snobby. I was afraid if I had BG issues (which I tend to have more on a bike than in my shoes) that people would not wait for me. I mean, sometimes it takes a good 15-20 minutes of sitting on the grass beside my bike. I even got the stink eye from one shop owner because the bike I walked in with was "entry level". I didn't like her after that. She also told me I couldn't ride with her all female recreational group because I didn't buy my bike there. It all deterred me.

3 months later I received a call. "Are you still interested in riding for TT1?"

Umm... what? HELL YEAH!! Sign me the fuck up!

So now I have a coach who sends me training plans and talks my ear off on the phone (in a good way!). I'm learning a whole new language and the learning curve is massive right now. I fill out charts of information for all my workouts and the stress/motivation/diabetes factors which the coach then reviews. I belong to a team of type 1 cycling athletes. To say it is overwhelming is a complete understatement. The other day when I met up with Celine for a (much needed) tea/wine evening chill 'n chat I think my agitation was nothing short of fucking frazzled!

There is so much going on inside my head with regards to my athletic life that I don't even know where to begin. There is a monumental shift going on. The changes that come from totally shifting gears from finishing a marathon to beginning to train for cycling. I had one week of downtime.

I haven't grasped everything yet and my routines have been turned upside-down, inside-out and ass-backwards. I am re-inventing myself. More to come on the effects of fucking around with my body's routines. There will be a whole new world of blog fodder here folks. Complete with the scully'ized version of things, bruised crotches and all.

But more than that...

I'M EXCITED AS FUCK!

There is no other way to say that without the swear word. I tried.

Thank you world for giving me something else to keep me going every day. A team of female cycling athletes? That I am a part of? ...... I'm still in complete shock.

This is by far anything I could have ever expected and it all started with an inquiry. I've gone through many phases of wondering "why me?" thinking I don't deserve this incredible opportunity given my lack of experience. I will continue to feel this way until I get deep into the throngs of training. In addition there will be no end to my running, just a hell of a lot more cross-training. I have a lot of long distance races I plan to run this upcoming year and I can't imagine life without my running shoes, now if I could just fit it all in...

So to answer the question that many have been asking, "What's next?" Let me give you a hint, it has two wheels and sounds a lot like "icicle".

D-Blog Day

2011-11-10T10:12:00.001-05:00

I'm a day late. But it's better than never!

For a description of D-Blog Day, please visit Gina's blog. Gina is most definitely your Diabetes BFF! Okay, so this year there was an option to make a scrapbook page. I like a challenge so I took it. I will mention that I am totally NOT a scrapbooker. That's not to say that I don't understand it or am unable to appreciate it, I just don't like doing stuff like that. But there is an exception to everything!

It was weird, and definitely fun but I can't see myself camping at Michael's and buying stickers that cost more a sticker should EVER be worth.

Here ya go:

NHBPM, I'm so over you.

2011-11-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so NHBPM (National Health Blog Posting Month) isn't gonna happen.

If you know me at all, you know I am not one to shy away from a challenge. EVER. I will fight tooth and nail and lose sleep over it just to make it happen. I've been losing too much sleep though.

Not this time. It is going against a lot of things. Firstly, I believe in quality over quantity. Sometimes I spend hours on blog posts and this NaBloPoMo thing is making me hate blogging while at the same time I feel like I'm writing garbage. (my perspective). And I love blogging and telling you my stories too much. I love you guys too much to put you through reading garbage.

It's just not worth it.

I enjoyed it last year but I was in a different place last year. I had more time and more of my shit together.

Lately, not so much. There is way too much going on and 4 hours of sleep sucks donkey balls. I can't seem to think clearly lately. This makes everything so much worse. I could go on... but I won't. Even the prompts aren't intriguing me.

In the end, I'm so over it. :)
Screw you NaBloPoMo, I don't need your stinking badge! HA!

I will write my quality posts, but first I need to put sleeping as a priority.

Already dreading those frosty runs

2011-11-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

It's time to pull out one of my some 20 posts sitting in my drafts this month.
I wrote this one a couple weeks ago.

The weather is changing. I haven't forgot what it's like to run in the cold but maybe I intentionally put it out of my mind the moment my shorts came out in late spring.

I feel like it's a lot harder in the cold weather. Sure it FEELS better without buckets of sweat pouring into my eyeballs and causing seriously uncomfortable chafing in those oh so private places. But it requires yet MORE planning. Like training for a marathon alone with diabetes wasn't enough in the summertime.

We are a good month or so away from below freezing so I'm good for another little while I suppose. It's more of a nasty reminder of what is to come. The temperature change most certainly effects my BG by bringing it down a lot quicker. I guess because my body is working harder to stay warm. (?)

I will need to start protecting my glucose meter and strips from the cold. I have already been wearing light gloves and a toque the past week. I'll need to start finding a way to prevent my water from freezing in my bottle. And what happens when I go for my 20+ km runs? How will I stash water ahead of time and make sure it's not ice by the time I get there?

Then there's me, and my non co-operative body. I'm not talking about my misbehaving bowels, though poops will follow me wherever I run no matter what the season. I'm talking about my internal thermometer.

One of the mornings that I ran this week already reminded me of that. I start out cold and warm up very quickly. I break a sweat within the first 5 minutes even when it's below zero. Yeah, what gives? I sweat so much that it creates a nice little layer of moisture. I stay nicely here for the first half of the run. Then all of a sudden I just stop sweating. I stop sweating and my body temperature begins to plummet. That nice layer of moisture turns from feeling warm to feeling like I'm swimming in the arctic. The rest of the run I get colder and colder until things eventually start feeling numb. The worst is the frozen thighs and bums.

It doesn't end there either. By the time I arrive home (or car) I'm so cold. It gets deep into my core and I spend the next 2-3 hours totally unable to warm up no matter how long of a hot shower I take or how many layers of clothes I pile on.

This is my cold-weather routine. It would be fucking peachy if I just didn't profusely sweat at the beginning or if I continued to sweat through the duration of the entire run.

This is what I'm not looking forward to, this is what I hate and I have no idea how to remedy it. It's not even winter yet and I'm already dreading the process and it's killing my motivation. I know I shouldn't dwell on the things I cannot change but these things make it so much harder.

The other day I drove to work after my morning run with the heat blasting while wearing a big jacket, scarf and mitts. All while still shivering. It was only like 10C (50F) outside.

Anybody else?

Sunday Snapshots

2011-11-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

Since Saturday was a crapshoot...

I got the pleasure of spectating a marathon for the first time. I was there to support "Marathon Man" in a vicarious way though Celine. It was all sorts of interesting. It was exciting to watch a marathon in my home town. So instead of blabbing on about a marathon I didn't run, here are some pictures I managed to get along the way. It can be real fun watching runners from the sidelines.

The start of the half marathon

Someone shit in his cornflakes this morning

Lovely crisp cool morning for a marathon

Um, Moose?

We all love water station volunteers!

The Marathon Man himself, not even stopping.

A bib number NOBODY wants to get. Well, maybe except me.

For some, it doesn't feel cold. Insane. I was wearing a scarf and toque.

This kid is either 13 or 15, we couldn't hear the M.C. very well. Either way, he ran a 3:30 marathon.

Everybody needs more cowbell

Celine and her twin friend Erin. I couldn't resist. You guys even have the same hair colour and black hoods.

Literally 5 feet from the timing mat.

Aaaand, done. 3:38 gives him a direct entry to NYC Marathon next year. Congrats! An inspiration to watch.

Saturday Crap Shoot

2011-11-05T19:47:00.000-04:00

Preface: I don't know how this post is going to pan out.

I still have more than 4 hours left for Saturday, so I'm good with NaBloPoMo yet.

I have been trying to alter my day/mind so that I would have something neat to write about. "Saturday Snapshots" was the goal but that went to the crap shoot.

Today, I am in a major funk. I feel void and empty and really rather dead inside. So many things and lives going on around me. Yet I am quiet. Not sure how to join conversations. Hell, conversations don't really happen around me. It's hard when I seem to avoid the world.

I have that exciting thing that is keeping me going (I promise to write about it soon, I just need to formulate my thoughts). But is it wrong that I feel like I'm the only one who is excited about it?

Where am I going with this?

I am tired of being so alone. Day in, day out. I talk to myself (and my dog). I wander around my house just staring at... nothing. I have put off going to the supermarket. It started with, "I really need some things, but I'll go tomorrow." Then it turned into, "maybe on the weekend." Then the weekend comes and goes and it's now the following weekend. I'm not kidding when I say my fridge is EMPTY. I had a couple cans of diet ginger ale, eggs and cheese. Oh and coffee cream. I'm not even joking. I almost took a picture but was afraid people might think I'm starving to death. So I went to the supermarket. I picked things up and put them back over and over again. I kept justifying that it was too expensive. Or that it would just end up in the compost heap. So when I left all I bought was $30 worth of groceries. I never cook any more. I don't even heat shit up. I eat corn out of a can and granola bars. I have no desire or craving for anything specific. I'm vegetarian and gluten-free and to be honest I'm just fucking sick of the grocery store.

I know, being alone and grocery shopping are not really connected but they are in my brain. It's no secret that I am heavily depressed and medicated. I've made that pretty public. This has been going on for a long time. I have come to use this blog as a way of avoiding the situation. I'm not avoiding right now. The loneliness amplifies those feelings. I don't care to eat when I am this way. I don't want to cook for one. Not just any "one" but me, the one who doesn't eat a whole lot to begin with. It's a waste of time. It's not my style. I love to cook for other people.

So there are no snapshots for today. Not even the huge field of black and white moo cows that I cycled by earlier was able to stop me. I hesitating for a second because I really wanted to take a picture of them. Then the inner miserable bitch came to the surface and said, "What's the fucking point." More like my inner Eeyore.

Oh bother.

Orbit 90 Infusion set

2011-11-04T08:34:00.000-04:00

My CDE told me about Orbit 90 a couple years ago. At that time, I contacted the company to ask if I could try out their product. They replied telling me that it wasn't compatible with my pump (Medtronic Paradigm 522). So I let it be.

Recently I went back to check out their website again to see if there was any developments. Low and behold there was something right on their home page that said, "Compatible with ALL pumps." So I filled out the form and by the end of the day received a phone call. The next day it arrived on my doorstep.

For all the information about this infusion set, visit the website here.

A quick list of the aspects that appealed to me are:

rotates freely 360 degrees
teflon introducer needle (means its the smallest on the market)
option of blue tubing which helps detect bubbles better
smooth dome shape reduces snags
semi transparent body heat activated tape
one-handed connect and disconnect

Now in order for the Orbit to work with my pump I have to use the Fifty50 luer lock reservoir. I will mention ahead of time that I am an infusion set whore. I like them all and I use them all. I use regularly the Silhouettes, Quick-Sets and Mio infusion sets.

The bits and pieces.

Filling the reservoir. This system I found pretty difficult compared to my regular reservoirs. I had trouble doing it with two hands. It was also really hard to get all the bubbles out.

It's a manual insertion infusion set but there is the option of purchasing an inserter much like the one used with the Quick Sets. I chose to insert manually.

Mind the red bump from a previous infusion set.

Pretty blue tubing (Hi Celine!)

Fits snug as a bug in a pump... (?)

My thoughts?

I like that the tape is semi-translucent and skin coloured. It doesn't itch! I love that there is nothing for clothing to snag on. It truly IS low profile. I catch my infusion sets on clothing and towels ALL the time. Of course I love the 360 degree spin and it really spins FREELY. Just look at the little video below! I am hoping that the blue tubing will help find bubbles faster and easier. I run into that problem a lot and find them very hard to see. I also like that you can snap it on and off without looking. It pops on and off in any direction. Lastly, I love that the adhesive is body heat activated since I sometimes have a problem with infusion sets not sticking when I start sweating.

The only thing I didn't like was the filling and connecting of the Fifty50 reservoir. It was awkward and time consuming compared to what I'm used to but I'm sure it's something I could master. They sent me 2 samples. The first one I put in had a small little kink but I think that was because I inserted the needle too slow. The second one I used I whipped that thing into my arm quickly and had lovely results with it for the entire time I was wearing it. And the tape? holy fucknugget that stuff is strong! I swear I ripped a few layers of skin off when I removed it. SWEET! that's a good sign!

Overall, I may switch to these guys permanently. If for no other reason than the fact that they are cheaper than all the Medtronic infusion sets out there at $145/box of 10. Sorry Medtronic, I'll do anything to save money on diabetes supplies. Well, almost anything.

Under 20, Over 65 or... diseased

2011-11-03T08:33:00.001-04:00

After 18 years I finally demanded my dentist to remove my EFFFF'n (it felt way too early in the post to use the full spelling) permanent retainer from my bottom teeth.

This is totally unrelated to the post. I had a dentist appointment Tuesday to get a tiny wee cavity filled and the hallelujah moment of removing my retainer.

Dentist: "Well we recommend you leave it in for as long as you can stand it."
Me: "I can't stand it any more!"
Dentist: "Just know that your teeth could migrate still."
Me: "It's been 18 year since I had my braces removed, I don't want any more metal in my mouth!"

I was surprised that after nearly 2 years of not visiting the dentist all I had was one tiny little cavity. Looks like I can continue eating chocolate in bed :). I will admit that the removal of the permanent retainer has left my mouth feeling uber strange but good fucking riddance. (much more acceptable to curse at this point in the post)

Good bill of health in my mouth!

That was Tuesday. Wednesday I had a visit with my Optometrist. I've never feared the eye doctor yet after reading a lot of horror stories on other diabetic blogs I actually felt antsy this time. I didn't like it.

I learned a lot and asked a lot of questions like,
"Why is my night vision so shitty with my glasses?" and "Why can I not see well with my glasses and not see well with my contacts either?" and "Am I cursed to never know what it's like to see clearly?"

and on and on. I have really shitty eyes. Like, I can't see 2 inches in front of my face bad. Contacts irritate my eyes and I can only wear them a few hours at a time. Ergo typically only when exercising. Glasses are cumbersome and with my heavy prescription, I can never see very well without them. There is no middle ground aside from shelling out thousands of dollars that I don't have to get laser. Maybe if I put my millions of dollars worth of used contacts under my pillow the laser fairy will visit me?

Meh.

So I learned another rather odd thing about my eyes also. See, after a long run or long workout of any kind I cannot see worth a damn with contacts and must remove them for the rest of the day. I asked if something weird happens to my eyeballs after many hours of exercise. My doctor was stumped. In the end she said I must have odd tears that mix with the sweat and render me useless. What else did she tell me? I'll never see clearly with my eyes being so bad.

In essence what she was really saying was, "Suck it up buttercup, you'll never see clearly."

Lastly, after years of not really paying attention I learned a little something about the Ontario Health Program. Everybody is always telling me that the government pays for one eye exam a year but then how come I always had to pay? Well today was the first time I didn't have to pay. So who gets a free eye exam? If you're under 20, over 65 or DISEASED! Huzzah for being diseased! Why it never came up before this, I have no idea. They know I've had T1D for over 9 years.

Lastly, Lastly? I get retinal scans done at these appointments which do happen to be out-of-pocket but it saves me going to see Opthamologists and all the headaches that come with that. She showed me the pictures of the insides of my eyes and I'm happy to say that my eyes are 100% healthy. They are "perfect" she says, well despite the fact that I'm fucking paralyzed without my glasses.

Good bill of health in my eyes!

I walked out of there content. Healthy eyes and $100 still in my pocket.

Two days, two doctors appointments gave me reassurance on my healthy eyes and healthy teeth.

Guest Post by Jackie

2011-11-02T09:19:00.000-04:00

Please meet Jackie. She is a fitness and nutrition guru who writes over at Jackie's Arc and The Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. I will admit, I had no idea what this kind of cancer was until I did a bit of research. From the website: Mesothelioma is an aggressive cancer affecting the membrane lining of the lungs and abdomen. She approached me with an idea to write about the benefits of exercise for people with diabetes. Her father-in-law is T1D and it seems like he has a really great asset with having Jackie's expertise in his family.

Running Towards Better Control of Type 1 Diabetes

By: Jackie Clark

With so many factors to consider each and every day, type-1 diabetes can be quite tricky to keep a handle on. For those living with the disease it can still be a challenge keeping blood glucose levels on an even keel. Diabetics must watch everything they put into their bodies. However, staying active with a regular cardiovascular exercise routine can play a major role in keeping diabetes under control. A major part of working out includes early morning running at least four times a week. If you add running to your exercise regimen, you will notice several positive changes to your overall health.

Considering I have always been a fitness activist I decided to take my father in-law on my morning runs because he is a type-1 diabetic. The first piece of evidence that proves the benefit of running is helping to keep track of his blood glucose log. His readings changed dramatically, becoming more consistent as time passed. It does take a bit of extra planning to prevent hypoglycemia while running. Before we start our morning run, my father in-law reduces his insulin injection by 75% and eats a snack full of complex carbohydrates and protein

Since type 1 diabetics are at risk for circulatory problems their lower extremities, regular running helps to increase the blood flow to their legs and feet. This could help prevent such diseases as diabetic neuropathy and peripheral artery disease, which could lead to such dramatic treatment as amputation.

Type-1 diabetes has been found to be an auto-immune disorder, where the body attacks healthy cells of the body as if they were invaders. This response can also lead to a lower immune system response, making diabetics more susceptible to illnesses and diseases, including cancers such as breast, prostate, and mesothelioma. Regular exercise such as running has been shown to help improve the immune system, helping to prevent any dire conditions, which could affect my father in-law as well as other diabetics.

For 20 years my father in-law has been plagued by so many worries when it comes to controlling his type-1 diabetes, as well as preventing complications, which arise from poor blood glucose control. By following a strict diet and keeping up with his running schedule, I know that he will live a healthier life.

Thanks Jackie, I really enjoyed this. It is true that cardio exercise on a daily basis has pretty awesome long-term effects on blood glucose control. Be it running or cycling or anything else that makes you sweat. It makes me especially happy to already be a runner. I mean, I know it helps me to maintain half-decent blood glucose control but I didn't know it could have such a good effect on the legs with regards to circulation. I'm pretty sure all of us Type 1's worry on a daily basis about complications. Although good diet and exercise can help, they don't make us totally immune to possible complications.

Thanks for sharing your brain with us!

Back to the creepy adult playground

2011-11-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

It's NOVEMBER and that means Diabetes Awareness Month

AND

NaBloPoMo. I will be posting every day this month. Scared? I am.

Onwards!

It's that time of year.

The time when the weather changes and so does my exercise regimen.

I'm in the middle of switching gears and so that leaves me very VERY confused. Training for the marathon left me with blinders on. I no longer did anything else but run. A bike ride here and there but that's about it. No spin classes, no stair climbing, nothing but running.

But now that the race is over and I took a week off to rest and recuperate I'm so totally lost! I am a creature of routine when it comes to my exercising. What was it that I used to do before? I always ran just not as often. I also visited the stairs on a weekly basis and I went to the gym too. I have some VERY EXCITING news to share soon which is going to change my routine even more.

Saturday, I went to the gym for the first spin class in a LOOONG time. I felt like a complete outsider walking into the gym. I wondered if the spin class was still on the schedule at that time. I wondered if I would get the stink eye from the chick at the counter for not coming to the gym in so long. I am happy to say the class is still there, I didn't get the stink eye and for the most part everything was the same as it always was. Even the Saturday morning "regulars". It took me a good 8 or 10 goes at my combination lock to remember what the combo was. I got it though! When I stepped out onto the floor I felt a mix of deja-vu and "where am I?".

You see I absolutely despise going to the gym during the warmer months. Most of the reason I do attend the gym is for my favourite spin class which is only offered twice a week. One of the days was Saturday but that had become long run day. The other day is Wednesday but the commute from my new job means I can't make it in time. So no gym all summer.

So Saturday I wandered around feeling pretty lost. All the machines were either new, moved or not there anymore. The bikes in the spin room were all new and thus took me way too long to adjust. I only ever had to remember the numbers 6 and 4. Now I have to remember 'K'? (the adjustment markers on the spin bike). I was glad that Saturday mornings the gym is not very busy as I was trying to remember what I did as I waited for spin class to begin. I was spared shame at every machine when I couldn't even remember how to use most of them much less what weight I was at. I was one of those chicks that I used to silently chuckle at. It's always women, too, that don't know how to use most of the machines. It's written in our genes or something. I got a handle of it though. It was more of a problem because the old ones were replaced with new ones and they were all re-arranged and not in the same location.

That's my excuse any way!

Back into the routine though. Less frequent running outside and more cross-training inside. I do so dislike the cold weather sometimes and how much extra work it takes just to get out for a run. The gym is a place of weirdness for me. Something about feeling like I'm at an adult playground but it's not really fun, it's kind of torturous. I always feel like I'm in some sort of underworld and we're all zombies mindlessly working out. Same time, same people, same workout. Like a hamster on a wheel. Like mindless robots. Everybody has earphones in and they all stare at you as soon as you walk in because they are so zoned out. Not to mention I can't fart at will.

I felt strong in spin class though and my absence was even noted by some of the regulars who were surprised to see me back again. During one of the breaks we even chatted a bit about the marathon. It was a good time. It felt SO good to see that familiar puddle of sweat under my bike. I know my legs are stronger from all the running because I pushed hard on the bike and hardly hurt after.

It will take me a little while to get my cold weather routine game back on.

After the marathon...

2011-10-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

The nausea continued well after the marathon.

I think I did pretty good managing my blood sugars throughout that five plus hours of running given what I was dealing with. As soon as I finished and was able to think relatively straight I turned my temp basals up to 150% for 4 hours.

Unfortunately I couldn't eat a damn thing for the entire rest of the day. I drank some fluids but food was out of the question. Even when I returned home a few hours later it took me almost half an hour just to drink 1 cup of chocolate milk. I wrote off the rest of the day and vowed to attack recovery the next morning. I don't remember falling asleep because I was out before I even laid down that night.

The day after was tough. I felt dizzy and out of it. There was a fog over my brain that left me mostly unable to focus or concentrate. I went to work in the afternoon. Monday was the worst of the aches and pains but I was pleasantly surprised just how much it didn't hurt. I attribute that to the fact that it took me so BLOODY long to finish the race. My ribs hurt from breathing so heavily for so long and my neck/shoulders were on FIRE. However, there was no going backwards down stairs (luckily I live in a bungalow!). Really, I was just moving slower than usual. And procrastinating getting out of my chair at work. If only my chair doubled as a toilet then I wouldn't even have to get up to pee! What can I say? I think lowering myself onto toilets was the most painful part of the day! Oh and co-workers, hey, you want to talk to me, come over here, I'm not moving!

Finally by Monday evening, I had an appetite!

An appetite that couldn't be filled mind you. Due to the insane crazy high blood sugars that were constantly plaguing my body. WHAT. THE. FUCK. ? I never got those few hours of blood sugars that allowed me to eat freely like I always do after long runs. Totally unfair. I still don't know why I was running so high :(. This is something that is causing me GREAT amounts of stress the past month. INSANE amounts of stress. I have been struggling, there is no denying that. I am so sick of not being able to afford sensors 24/7 because my CGM has proved to be the only thing that has ever helped me bring my A1C down.

I'm digressing and ranting and complaining.

I still feel kind of cheated in a way because of what happened. I trained hard for MANY months for one single day. Yet that single day was totally thwarted when I had two failed infusion sites the day before the race. ALL that work and diabetes fucking screwed it all up. I wasn't expecting a sub 3-hour marathon or anything, don't get me wrong. I was just expecting better than what I did. It's pretty obvious that I'm a stubborn ol' snatch. I'm used to it. I know I won't be able to really appreciate the fact that I ran a marathon until I get a chance to redeem myself.

So it took a couple days post race for things to fall back into place. Mentally, emotionally and physically. That finish line changed me as I knew it would. In many ways. I achieved that which I thought I would NEVER achieve and a large portion of me IS proud. It has brought me to a whole new world of distance running and I know there are many more marathons in my future.

I am already in the process of planning my next race. I am definitely going to run more marathons if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can do better. Maybe next time diabetes will mind it's own business.

November is full of links!

2011-10-27T09:00:00.002-04:00

November is coming and with that the DOC is lighting up like a christmas tree! I'm going out of my mind trying to keep track of it all.

November is Diabetes Awareness month. Last year I participated in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) for the entire month of November. Basically I blogged for 30 days straight and I'll be doing it again because I'm kind of weird like that. A lot of D-bloggers partake in the November NaBloPoMo so it's fun to follow along. It's also challenging. By the end of the month I'm ready to quit blogging all together.

It seems there is a lot going on in November in and around the Diabetes Blogosphere so here, I will share with you.

NOVEMBER 9th

D-Blog Day

This is hosted by Gina at Diabetes Talk Fest and is going on it's 6th year! This year however she's changed it up. It's a scrapbooking project. Now, no offense but I kind of find scrapbooking a bit strange and cult like. It's not really my thing but I've got a bunch of supplies and I'm going to try it.

NOVEMBER 12th

Slipstream in the City

I am a new found lover of the organization Connected In Motion and have made a lot of new friends. Originally located in Toronto you can now find CIM events all across Canada. If you are diabetic, know someone who is diabetic or just want to "CONNECT" then sign up for the CIM Slipstream in the City. Tickets are $30 and it's going to be a great big party. I've got my ticket! Check out the site for more info.

NOVEMBER 14th

International Diabe Tees Day

Good blogger friend Jeff at Jeff Mather's Dispatches created this. Make a T-shirt, wear it on the 14th and let the world know you are part of "Team Pancreas"!

NOVEMBER 14th

World Diabetes Day Postcard Exchange

This is by far the neatest thing happening to honor World Diabetes Day. Lee Ann over at The Butter Compartment is the DOC's valued art therapist. She's taken hundreds (literally) of participants and exchanged addresses so that we can all make a postcard and mail it out to our recipient. Just think of the hundreds of homemade postcards that will be flying through the air in time for World Diabetes Day!

OCTOBER 28th - NOVEMBER 14th
Team Type 1 - Run Across America

For 18 days, 10 Team Type 1 runners will run across America continuously 24hours a day. Starting in California and ending in New York City for World Diabetes Day on the 14th. You will be able to follow the runners along their journey at the link above.

NOVEMBER 19th

Toronto Type 1 Update

If you are in the Toronto area and would like to attend this half-day event there will be a lot of us there. Myself included. Kerri Sparling will be there along with some other great speakers.

NOVEMBER 1st - 14th

Big Blue Test

Between November 1st and the 14th:

1. Test your blood sugar

2. Get active (for at least 14 minutes)

3. Test again

4. Share your results at the Big Blue Test website

If I'm missing anything, feel free to let me know!

Niagara Falls International Marathon

2011-10-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

I initially wrote "Half Marathon" in my post title.

What a trip.
What a day.
What a mindfuck of emotions.

WHAT A MARATHON!

Leaving off from yesterday's post about my horrid day/night before the race. I drove down to Celine's house as she graciously offered to drive myself and 2 other runners to the start line across the border in Buffalo so we didn't have to take the school bus. Did you know that the NF International Marathon is the only marathon in the world that starts in one country and ends in another? Yeah, I didn't know. We nervously loitered around for awhile before Celine left to go find some picture spots.

Celine, as you all know is my friend in real life as a result of this blog. We were both training for the same marathon and unfortunately she got injured 6 weeks out from the race. She eventually had no choice but to pull out of the race as a result of her injury.

By the way, Celine, I've said it before and I'll say it again because it's on my blog it's for the world to read. You are such a strong willed woman! To go to the expo and then hang around stalking runners ALL DAY race day, all the while knowing that was supposed to be your race. I wanted to run it with you so bad. Two T1 diabetics conquering their FIRST marathon. But you didn't shy away from the hubbub and I commend you on that. You did it with all smiles. I wish I had known you were there at the finish because I NEED a picture of us dammit!!

First I want to unveil something I've been dying to share! My new Tallygear Tummietote made especially for me! Donna makes me these 100% cotton belts that don't slip from my bum jiggle (shut up, it's a problem I have). I asked her if she could put some toggles on one for a race bib.

See for yourself:

A masterpiece of all sorts of wonderful! No need for pinning bibs to shirts. Mine inevitably end up torn half way through the race and from the sweat, the pins rust and stain my shirts. LOVED racing with this!

Onwards, it was pretty fucking cold out before the race. There was frost on my windshield at 6:30am. However, it was the MOST beautiful day we could have possibly asked for. A high of 15C (60F), no wind and full on sunshine the entire day.

We arrived at the start and I still wasn't feeling overly confident. I was quiet and scared. My BG's were hanging out in the too-high-for-comfort territory. My entire plan for diabetes management went to the shitter due to the nights' disaster. I wasn't starting with a belly full of oatmeal and a head screwed on tight. I was starting with nausea and bowel upset instead. I set my temp basal at -60% where I would normally have it at -75%. I was also functioning on VERY little sleep, restless sick sleep at that. My nerves were wrecked. I kept saying to myself, "Of all the fucking nights for that to happen!". I couldn't exactly beg for a change of day now could I? I had no choice. Diabetes be damned.

The gun went off.

The first 9 or so km of the race was in the States before crossing over the peace bridge and entering Canada. The scenery was beautiful and there were a lot of people sitting on their front porches watching the mass of runners. My goal for the first portion of the race (until after I crossed the bridge) was to stalk my Garmin and make sure my pace wasn't too fast. I had my headphones in but the ipod turned off for this part. I was really impressed that most of the runners around me were thanking the police officers holding back traffic and the volunteers at the water stations. It really made me pleased because without all those volunteers, marathons would never happen. True story.

The only "issue" I had was with these couple Japanese women who were taking pictures AS they ran. Lots of pictures. One woman pushed me between herself and the pylons (with oncoming traffic) because she was trying to take a picture and run. I kindly grabbed her shoulder and lightly shoved her aside.

Thanks to Celine for snapping this around 10km. This picture will make me smile again and again. This is the BEST picture someone has ever taken of me. REAL smiles too! I was happy to see you!

I made my first stop at about 11km. By this point I had switched to miles. I'm getting better at running in miles and recognizing the distance change. A quick check of my BG left me happy that it was under 10mmol/l for the first time in a couple days. I had a gel (later than planned) and turned on my ipod. I was eager to listen to The Marathon Show. Off I went again. slowly but surely. I kept a steady pace surprisingly despite the acidic stomach and bowels.

By mile 9 I spied an opportunity as my poor bowels were in amok. I skipped down to the river's edge to nervously release the hounds. Funny part about this (because crapping is funny) as soon as I got back on the road, right around the next corner was a port-a-potty. Dang it. I would like to add that this was when I noticed there were probably port-a-potties every single km. Guess they reeeeally don't want runners going wherever they please. The Niagara Parkway is a very prestigious place to live and it is lined by big beautiful homes. Sorry guys, at least I left my business on the river bank.

After this is when I could start feeling my body going downhill. I had another gel knowing I didn't have much time before my belly would start rejecting the gels. It wasn't my legs, or my muscles, or my cardiovascular health or anything that I could have planned for. It was nausea and bowels as a result from the night before. If you have diabetes, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Recovering from a massive night of highs or lows is brutal. We often call them "hypo/hyper-hangovers". It sometimes takes many hours to bounce back from that kind of turmoil. I was NOT feeling good.

My family was there at mile 12 as I asked them to be. My dad and niece ran in a bit with me and the GIANT smile on my niece's face as she screamed over and over "GO CHRIS GO" was heart warming. I exchanged used GU wrappers for new ones. My mum had a Gatorade G2 that I gave to her and I poured that into my bottle. I gave them my gloves and arm sleeves. Because they were at a water station there was a port-a-potty. I will spare you the details but as I sat there feeling ill (out of my bum) I started tearing up and not from the odour of the inside of a port-a-potty. I was hurting and my family who loves me so much was there. Even my niece still chanting "GO CHRIS GO" as I was sitting on the plastic port-a-potty seat. (yes I see the irony in that!).

I left my family as much as I didn't want to and continued on my way. I knew I had to do this. I knew my friend Jason would be out there soon and I looked forward to a familiar face. Mile 15 and I attempted gel number 3. It took me 2 miles to eat it. I ran with it in my hand. The G2 I had in my bottle also wasn't helping. I don't normally like anything but water when I'm running but I thought electrolytes would be a good thing to get in me. Yucky pasty mouth. ICK. I watered it down the first chance I got.

Can I just say that the amount of times I ran into friends and family was AMAZING! It was like my own personal cheering squad. AMAZING!!!!!

So there he was at mile 17. Bouncing around in a jester hat and holding a sign for me. By this point my stomach was feeling rather sour. I stopped, I sat on the bridge. A bg check had me in an okay spot. However, I knew I could not tolerate any more gels so I turned my temp basal down to -80%. Hour by hour decisions, that's what we have to do with diabetes. I kept telling him I didn't know if I could do it, I had SO far to go yet.

He got this picture at mile 17. I really only put it up because I'm in love with my running skirt :)

Picture says it all?

So Jason ran with me for a little bit before turning back to fetch his car and make his way to the finish line. He was my personal camera guy and did a wonderful job at getting pictures of everything around him. Thanks for manning my camera dude, I don't trust just anybody to use it. I was so happy you were there.

The picture Celine got of me as I ran up to the Clan of Runner's Edge people.

Oh god, what comes next? this is where it all starts getting foggy. I ran into the Runner's Edge group again. Celine had them all screaming and flailing as they yelled "GO SCULLY" at the top of their lungs. I had a mini-breakdown as I stopped to hunch over near Celine. I don't remember much except that I kept saying "I don't feel good at all..."

Where was that confidence through the months of training? Where was that inner strength I relied on so much? I was fading. I couldn't give up but there was no lying about it - I wasn't well. I stopped looking at my Garmin because I was just getting disappointed. When I left Celine I had tears in my eyes. Then just as fast as I lost it, I tried to pull myself together. I sucked it up and wrote myself a plan. I dug as deep as I could possibly muster. This was where most people hit the wall. Mile 18/19. Now I am not most people and considering how slow my race was going, there would be no wall for me. I allowed myself to get upset until mile 20. After that I told myself I could stop for a short walk break at every mile marker. That seemed to help. I also switched from podcasts to music because I couldn't pay a stitch of attention to it any more.

At mile 24, crossing the bridge was my brother standing there right in the middle. I saw him from far away but didn't recognize him because I wasn't aware he was coming. He had a mini freakout when he saw an ambulance go by before he saw me and thought I would be in it! To give my family credit, I was much slower than anticipated on top of my problems already so I don't blame them. I asked him to find some ice at the finish. All I wanted was ice in my mouth.

The last few miles it was down to me and my fucking brain. It seems so insignificant now (the next day) but at the time, I wanted to die.

I removed my earphones. So many spectators and other runners cheering everybody on. I couldn't believe it at that late in the race. When someone said some words of encouragement, all I could do was groan. Not even talk! Groan! And every time I groaned the runners around me would say "I hear you!", or "me too!". My aunt on the sidelines with a little sign surprised me so much I almost fell over! She texted ahead to let them know I was coming. Next I see my uncle driving the other way honking his horn and hanging yet ANOTHER sign out his window. WOW, all smiles now!

26miles and my cousin (who is one of my closest friends) was there holding a big sign. She screamed out as I ran by, "I HAVE YOUR COKE ZERO!" and my arms went up in the air in happiness! All summer long as I was ending my long training runs all I wanted in the entire planet was Coke. I don't like Diet Coke and since regular Coke is not an option I started buying Coke Zero. It's the only thing that I crave after running.

Then the finish line.

Celine snapped this moment. The moment I crossed the finish line. You can see the struggle to smile on my face but it was there. T1 Diabetes and I!

The guy who placed the medal around my neck said, "How does it feel?" and instead of groaning I said, "It feels amazing."

I then got bombarded by my entire family. I started crying as they each gave me a big hug. I had a hard time wiping the smile off my face EVEN though I was beyond nauseous. I sipped my Coke Zero and wrapped myself in the love and support of my family and friends.

Cousin and Dad and tears in my eyes.

Sister, Cousin Mum and Dad. This is one of my favourite pictures. Sometimes my sis and I don't talk much but we communicate without words.

Cousin, Uncle, Aunt (LOVE YOU GUYS!)

Jason, the photo man and support crew. I am proudly holding my delicious Coke Zero!

Niece Emily dancing to the music.

Want no blisters? get Injinji socks! Best shit on the planet. I always get lots of blisters but not with these bad boys. Not even a hot spot!

Niece and Brother.

It was emotional just like everybody said it would be. The most emotional part was the insane support from my family and friends. You guys made this happen for me. From your words of encouragement before the race to your support through my many months of training. It was like a little kick in the ass each time I saw someone along the race. Knowing that a family member or a friend would be up there was motivation enough to keep going mile to mile. I was enamoured and overwhelmed.

I can't wait to try it again because I can only imagine how much more fun it would be without the troubles that I went through. And Celine? If I am not running WITH you, I will be there photographing you!

This post took me FOREVER to write and the emotions are still running rampant.

In the words of Joe Taricani from The Marathon Show, "It's not about the finish time, it's about the finish line." also, "Running your first marathon will change your life forever."

Hello world, I ran a fucking marathon!

The Day/Night before

2011-10-24T09:12:00.002-04:00

Yes, I ran my marathon.
Yes, I finished (barely)
More on that tomorrow.

BUT, before I get into the marathon post I really need to go into detail the events leading up to the race as they impacted my performance greatly.

Saturday morning. I started my CGM for the big day. I woke up with normal blood sugar. My normal activities for weekend morning consist of coffee and vegging while reading blogs for as long as I damn well please! breakfast is usually put off until much later. It was expo day and I was making the hour long trip to pick up my race kit packet.

I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, I like to eat my oatmeal out of a mug on my way to work. Yep. That's me. So although it was close to 11am, I was driving down to Niagara Falls with my oatmeal. By this point my blood sugar had risen by quite a bit. So my bolus was to include a correction. I was going to delay the actual eating of the oatmeal until half way through my drive. Then I was greeted within a few seconds with NO DELIVERY errors. I wasn't too phased, I get these from time to time. Usually from a clog somewhere along the line. But today was different. 0.3u, 0.4u, 0.1u at a time. I had a 7.5u bolus to give for the correction and the oatmeal. I pulled off the highway and sat there PATIENTLY bolusing one little bolus at a time all while trying to keep count in my head. I was already far away from home. In retrospect, I should have just bit the bullet and gone back.

This continued for the rest of the day. I needed to stop off at my parents house after to give them some stuff for the next day. Everybody was there so I hung around for awhile playing with my niece and nephew. The entire time my blood sugar was up in the 16-18 mmol/l (280-320 mg/dl) and each time I tried to correct it was like a game to see how many fractions of a unit I could get in at a time. I knew the problem was in the cannula because I disconnected and gave a 1.5u bolus and it delivered no problem. I had to get home.

No change in blood sugars. Still high.
I changed the infusion set, there was a small kink in the one I removed. I gave a big bolus that went through no problem (or so I thought). Blood sugars still in the high teens.

I went to bed at 9:30pm to try and get as much sleep as possible. I set my alarm for 12am to check up on my BG. At 11:00pm the pain and nausea in my stomach woke me up along with the insane cotton mouth. A check told me 21 mmol/l (378 mg/dl). I was confused. So I gave a big bolus, upped my temp basal and laid there for another hour in discomfort. At 12:30am I checked and it was now at 25 mmol/l (450 mg/dl). I was super nauseous. I pulled out the big guns. Fresh bottle of insulin, another site change, 10u by syringe and 160% temp basal. Upon pulling out the old/new site the cannula looked like it had been through a shredder. I've never seen a cannula so mangled before.

HOW does that even happen?! This was a Medtronic Mio infusion set. It left a super nasty bruise, no surprise! I don't know why I didn't get any "NO DELIVERY" alarm with this. There's no way insulin could pass through that mess.

I waited not very patiently. I struggled sitting on the couch. I was beyond nauseous. I couldn't think straight and it felt like nothing I've ever felt before. This is what it feels like to slowly die from DKA. I'd rather shoot myself in the face. I was stalking my CGM waiting for ANY indication at all that it was coming down. I couldn't settle my stomach and I couldn't drink anything. By 2am I finally saw the down arrow.

I went to bed at 2:30am and woke up at 5:00am. NOT GOOD. Blood sugars in the lower teens. I could barely drink coffee. My stomach was in knots and still nauseous. My guts were feeling awful too. It's like everything between my crotch and my throat wanted to give up on me. As I drove I forced myself to eat a bit of breakfast. I managed to eat less than half my oatmeal. Oh fuck, this was not going to be a good day.

BUT, at least I had an infusion set that seemed to be working! third one's a charm.

That will go down in my history books as the worst diabetes crisis in my 9 years of this disease.

The aftermath of the night. Note to self: I have no more ketone strips left.

My heart goes out to my sister who happened to be in the right place exactly when I needed her. She slapped me a bit and I love her for it. Another thanks also to the mascara fairy. How come she is always there? Mascara Fairy, you really are a fairy!

The happy ending was the finish line and I crossed it.

Carbo-loading, how the HELL?

2011-10-20T09:00:00.002-04:00

Okay so what's the big deal with carbo loading before a race?

I've been reading and listening to a lot of this talk lately and it DOES seem to make sense. Loading up on carbs should actually be done 2-3 days leading up to the race. It allows your body to stock up on glycogen stores. Glycogen is our bodies most easily accessible source of fuel. When we run out of glycogen stores our body starts using fat for fuel which is a much slower process and results in poor performance. So.. we fill our muscles up to the brim with glycogen (they say).

Now, don't get me wrong, this does seem to make sense. It just doesn't make sense for me from the diabetes aspect of it. I also will fully admit that perhaps I am doing things wrong to begin with. I naturally eat a low'ish carb diet. I do this because it has proved to be the easiest way for me to manage my diabetes day to day. I eat an average of less than 100g carbs a day. Sometimes it's a lot less than that and sometimes it's a bit more. I was told by a CDE once that 130g/day is the minimum carb intake for someone who is not active. 230g/day is the average for someone if they are active. I don't doubt her words, it's just that more carbs has never worked very well for me. It always seems like the more carbs I eat, the longer it takes for my body to process those carbs. Ergo the longer my blood sugar stays elevated. I have the same carb intake whether I'm training for a marathon or not. That's where I feel that I'm doing it wrong. If carbs are the quickest and best source of glycogen and glycogen is our bodies easiest source of fuel... then it would seem to be smarter to eat more carbs. Right? I have noticed some much better runs when I've consumed more food than usual the day before.

I mean, I have come this far already doing what I've been doing so why change now? I don't exactly plan on changing (too much), I was just wondering if I would perform better? I just don't know how I would do it... get the carbs in that is. I rarely eat more than 40g carbs in a single sitting because it wrecks havoc on my blood sugars no matter what kind of carb it is. The other option is eating often. But then my blood sugar will be perpetually on the high side don't you think? I think that's what would happen. I guess I'm wondering if high blood sugars for a few days would be worth it.

I was reading the newest Runner's World magazine which is what got me to thinking about this in the first place. There is a really good article on carbo loading. There's just this one part of it that really makes me question how the hell to carbo load with diabetes.

They give this "A day of carbo-loading for a 150-pound runner"

611g total?! SIX HUNDRED AND ELEVEN? Seriously?

Now I know this is not aimed at ME and it's not like I'm taking it to heart. I just look at that and think, "How the hell would I manage my blood sugar on 611g of carbs?" That's like 60units of insulin a day not including basals.

I don't think I've ever eaten that many carbs in my entire life in one day. I understand carbo-loading but that, to me, sounds like carbo-OVERloading. My diabetes would never be able to deal with that in a smooth manner. I just get a little concerned thinking how the hell am I ever going to successfully run for 5'ish straight hours if I can't carbo load properly.

So it's a guideline.. and a large portion of those carbs in that menu are coming from liquids. But for me as a diabetic runner, it is a guideline I'm NOT going to follow. Is this what normal non-PWD would do? And if so, how would one alter that for diabetes?

I'm going to TRY and carbo-load starting now since I'm 4 days away. No, not 611g carbs worth, but I will aim for at least 200g, that's twice my normal carb intake. Now if only I could achieve that with chocolate and potato chips ;)

I shared some DOC love (and other stuff)

2011-10-18T08:01:00.001-04:00

A day that is neither here nor there but everywhere.

I've been suffering from a massive migraine for 5 straight days with little relief. It's migraine season for me though. Every single fall when the weather takes a massive piss complete with crazy wind and rain is when I get it. It comes and it often overstays it's welcome for weeks at a time.

I alternate between two kinds of pain killers but it doesn't take it away completely. And if I forget to take another within about 3 hours then I'm kind of fucked.

Migraines SUCK DONKEY BALLS! I've been unproductive, nauseous and almost feeling like I've got the flu. They are more than just a headache. I'm afraid to say it because I don't want to jinx it but I hope it lets up before the race.

Enter my day:

I've been struggling for 4 days and here I am flying to Kansas City for work (blargh, and ouch). What could make a migraine worse? airports, recycled air, pressurized planes, long line ups and stress.

Enter the middle cheery part:

While I was waiting at the Philadelphia airport for my connection I had a really nice experience. I was sitting there playing games on my phone while two custodial airport staff were chit chatting near by. Just as they were going their separate ways one of the women approached me and asked me about my infusion set (which is usually on my arms these days.) She recognized that it must have been an insulin pump and so starts the conversation. Her daughter was diagnosed at 10yrs old just 5 months ago. She was still beside herself and didn't hide the frustration she was feeling. I commended her on her strength and sympathized with her sadness. She had questions about how the pump helps me since her daughters' blood sugars are all over the place. I resisted telling her how MY blood sugars are also all over the place but "control" isn't exactly a word that should be used in the same sentence with "diabetes". Especially after only 5 months.

I am not a pushy type and I NEVER get approached when I'm home in Canada. So I was trying not to jump up and down rhyming off websites. She got a bit choked up and didn't seem too keen on having a heart to heart with a stranger. I could have talked forever! I made sure to tell her about how huge the diabetic online community is and I highly recommended she seek some support online. I told her that there is a HUGE world of Mom's of T1's out there.

It's so hard to draw the line between being informative but not pushy. She said that she hopes her daughter will have a normal life. It was at that moment I told her that next week I'm running my first marathon. I said it with a big smile on my face and you'd have to be blind to not sense the excitement in my voice. That tidbit of information brought a smile to her face. Then she got even more choked up. She thanked me for giving her hope for her daughter.

I look back though on how much that woman changed my day. I wanted to run back to her and hug her! but that would be creepy and weird. She will get it one day. I do wish I had rhymed off some websites for her and written them down. More than that I should have at least gotten her email.

I also want to thank all those T1 mamas out there because without knowing you and interacting with you I wouldn't have been able to empathize with this woman as much as I did.

Enter the evening:

I arrive in Kansas City after a gut wrenching and tummy twisting flight. Near the end as I could see land I was secretly praying to my non-existent god that we didn't hit any more turbulence. I thought I was going to lose my lunch. By this point there was so much pressure inside my noggin I could swear my eyes were going to pop out of my skull. The pain killers were deep inside my carry-on.

OMG I was in a royal amount of pain. And just like business trips often go, I had less than an hour to get showered and dolled up for an evening gala event at a fancy museum. Two words come to mind. Fuck Me. And in a FML and kill me now sort of way, not a sexy way. I couldn't believe that when I landed the weather was just as cold and rainy as it has been at home for the past few days. Ergo more fuel for my persistent and now ferocious migraine.

Oh and now, forget laying down in the dark. No, it's fancy shoes that KILL my feet and a dress with all the fixings to just piss me off. PLEASE pain meds, start working NOW! All I wanted to do was hide in the dark.

I so totally dislike small talk, networking and business. Not to mention the big fancy dinner that I couldn't really eat because of the wheat and meat. I was glad that the migraine was making me nauseous.

Once all the pain meds started kicking in I was starting to cheer up and so my smiles were not fake. I did meet some very nice people and had some interesting conversations. I had a good laugh when it came time to diving down the cleavage of my dress to retrieve my pump. I got a couple weird looks and naturally, my blunt ass blurted out, "And here comes the embarrassing part of the evening." The women at the table laughed, the men, well they had no idea what was going on and I'm okay with that.

I don't change my personality even if I'm around professionals. If anything, I try to make it humorous. I am who I am and I don't like changing that.

So this was an interesting down up down up kind of day.

Oh looky here, it's time for more pain meds. What was it? Oh yeah, FML!

I'm sorry for this post, it's pretty fucked up.

Marathon goals

2011-10-17T09:00:00.007-04:00

Well, here we are. Officially one short week before race day.
My nerves are starting to act up and my guts are twisting. These are the days where I sit back and mull over the last 6 months.

Am I ready? In my head I am but I worry about being ready in my body. I want my legs to hold up and my feet to remain firmly one in front of the other. No limping allowed.

I'm going into this with an ipod full of my favourite music and my favourite podcasts though I'd like to run most of it earphone-free. I find it hard to concentrate on my own pace with all the hubbub of other runners constantly passing me. So the earphones will be there to help me focus if I need it.

So here is a short list of some of my wispy personal goals.

1. FINISH!
Totally obvious. Unless I get injured.

2. Enjoy it
This is very important. I'm not going to run this thing because I want to be put through hell and back. I want to run it because I ENJOY running. I want to take all the excitement and energy in. I want to finish smiling.

3. Stay on top of fueling early on
This is something I've come to learn through my training. If I run too long and get too tired and exhausted I get nauseous. If I wait too long before I fuel then I'm up shit creek. The line is so faint between "feeling good and time to fuel" and "Oops, it's too late". My goal is to take in 3 gels before the half-way point and continue on a regular schedule until my body feels like it's had enough.

4. Don't over-hydrate
I know this sounds ridiculous but I have a much bigger problem with over-hydrating than I do with dehydrating. I learned a valuable lesson after that scare with possibly suffering from Hyponatremia. I know through training that a lot of it has to do with an electrolyte imbalance and the fact that I don't eat enough the days leading up to the long run. So in short? eat more (salty) things for a few days before and hydrate lots ahead of time.

5. Don't put pressure on myself
Aka: don't expect much. This is relatively important to me. I've never run a marathon nor am I an exceptional athlete by any means. I'm pretty regular and I have to keep reminding myself of that when I am likely hanging out at the back of the pack. It's not like taking a half marathon and just doubling it. It's not like taking a 30k race and adding 12.2km to it either. I have a habit of setting myself up for disappointment.

6. Positive thoughts only
This kind of goes along with #5. Negative thoughts seem to be my way of sabotaging myself during races. I feel an ache or a pain and I obsess about it until I'm freaking out. I'm getting better at staying positive and that's really important.

7. Rock the blood sugars!
This is more of a pray and hope than it is a goal. Come marathon day I will assess it hour by hour and hope for the best. The race doesn't start until 10pm which is a bit awkward as it's not at all the time I've been training at. So who knows what the blood sugar bitch will deliver to me. I'll be wearing my CGM in an effort to stay on top of it better.

Lastly and most importantly:

8. Don't shit myself
self-explanatory.
But, I hope I can make it to a port-a-potty. I'm not going into the race hoping I don't crap myself, I'm going into it expecting it to happen. Makes me feel prepared at least. I'm pretty sure there aren't nice hidden bushy areas for me to sneak behind on this route. I'm still carrying toilet paper with me though.

Tell me guys, am I forgetting anything?

October 12 of 12

2011-10-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

I tried something different this month.

I don't know what gave me this idea and I'm not sure I'd do it again. I took a picture every hour on the hour (almost every hour) from when I woke up until.. well.. NOW!

I didn't just take ANY picture every hour, I took a picture of myself doing whatever I was doing at that moment. No exceptions. It was different. I felt rather "exposed" during the day. Knowing that my life for this day would be broad casted in some sort of quasi fucked up vain sort of way.

Who takes pictures of themselves all day long? Well, it was interesting although looking back on my hour by hour day - it looks really boring!!!

Here we go:

5:00am

I'm not even awake and it's obvious. All I care about is that honking huge mug of coffee sitting in front of me. I don't think I've ever exposed my 5am face to the world.

6:00am came and went while I was out running

7:00am

Just walked in the door after a great 11km run. Why the fuck I'm doing those stupid "jazz hands" are beyond me.

8:00am

Get used to this view. In the car driving to work. My face is still a bit flushed from the run. Does it show how much I love commuting?

9:00am

More coffee. My god that mug looks HUGE! it's really not, it's just the angle of the shot, I swear!

10:00am

Pee break! I can't believe I took you guys into the bathroom at work. I'm showing off my new wrap skirt I got in a clothing swap. I get lots of compliments on it.

11:00am

Moving onto water now and listening to some podcasts. If you haven't figured out by now, I don't know how to make the "normal" camera face.

12:00pm

Raw almonds. I LOVE raw almonds. I don't love working through lunch though.

1:00pm

A slightly different angle of the same shit. Still working. Holy fuck this is boring!

2:00pm

I got sent on a field trip, that's why I had to work through lunch. A field trip to the city hall to apply for a building permit. NOT one of the perks of my job. BUT, I love me some afternoon tea to make the long drive a bit more bearable.

3:00pm

Remember what I said about getting used to the view inside my car? Well, I'm still driving to the city hall. By this point the hair clip has come out because it's causing a headache.

4:00pm

LEAVING city hall. Just in time for rush hour traffic coming out of Toronto. FML!

5:00pm

Guess where?! Yup. still driving and still not home yet :(

6:00pm

Home and I'm already in my jammies. I'm getting my coffee maker all set up to go off at 4:45am. A necessary chore!

7:00pm

Farting around the house. Literally. Lots of farting, it's "shark week" as Reyna calls it. Give me a break. This is a beautiful number, 6.9mmol/l. (and a creepy picture!)

8:00pm

Getting my post all ready and uploading pics. This is enough for one day.

So that was really weird. Hope it wasn't too exhaustingly boring watching me sit on my ass all day. Now you know why I run! It's also obvious that I used my cell phone for all the middle of the day shots.

See you next month!

Training is not just training to a diabetic

2011-10-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

I was thinking the other day on my run about... well, running.

Running can be complicated. There are so many things to take into consideration. Hydration and food the days before, sleep, fueling and hydrating on the run, shoes, clothing, temperature. Things like heart rate, pace, time and distance. Electrolytes, fatigue, muscle cramping and blisters. Sweat stinging my eyeballs, sunscreen and proper body glide placement.

That's what your normal every day committed runner probably contends with. I contend with all those things, that's how I came up with that crazy list.

What else though?

DIA-fucking-BETES.

I only WISH that was the only things I had to deal with because that's a lot of things to think about. Unfortunately I've got the 'betes and with that comes a whole new messed up world. There are two sides to every adventure when I lace up my runners (or climb on my bike for that matter.) The side that every athlete deals with and then the diabetes side.

Take that list and add to it just as many bullet points.

Carrying a blood glucose meter, keeping the strips and meter dry and warm. Carrying fast acting sugar as well as gels. Carrying a fucking obnoxious where-the-hell-do-I-put-this-thing cell phone. Temp basal programs hours before, what to bolus for what kind of food at what time? Checking blood sugars mid run and needing to be ON TOP of it. Making decisions on the fly. To take the gel or not to take the gel. Take insulin, don't take insulin. High blood sugar, need gel, take insulin, don't take insulin, will the run bring it low enough, but I need the gel.... Ah fuck. Hours of planning before the run. Hours of monitoring after the run. Did I run this morning? Did I run two mornings in a row? Did I run THREE mornings in a row? The more days I run consecutively, the more it effects my blood sugar for the next 24 hours.

As much as I wish to be "just like everybody else" I am not.

Training for a marathon takes a lot of time. It takes motivation, determination, discipline and a heck of a lot of planning. Training for a marathon with diabetes? well for fucksake! I've gone many months not really thinking about all the extra consideration and planning involved. Then during my last long run it all hit me. I am not just like everyone else. Training for a marathon is all about training your body. Getting your muscles used to being under that kind of continuous stress. I have experienced all of that and then some. I have had to train my diabetes. Even though Diabetes doesn't follow plans or preparations or anything for that matter. I suppose it's not so much training my diabetes as it is training my diabetes management. Hoping that I've encountered everything and anything possible.

There is just SO much to know. There's no way around that and there's no way to simplify it.

I do often wonder what the hell drives me to pursue this kind of shit. I don't wonder why I do it because I know why I do it. I do it because I love to exercise, I make it work because the desire to run trumps the hell of the diabetes planning. Because it's worth it.

I'm glad that training for a marathon with diabetes has become something I don't really think about. THAT way it makes me FEEL like everyone else. I just have a problem remembering that when I'm out on the course I have to take special consideration to my diabetic needs before my other needs.

Let the countdown begin

2011-10-10T13:20:00.000-04:00

We are less than 2 weeks from race day. To me, that is where I begin counting down.

I've read so many articles and listened to a myriad of podcasts lately about running and tapering and getting ready for race day. I've gained a lot of really good info and tips. I am absorbing whatever information I can get at this point.

After Saturdays 28km run I feel these last two weeks are the real deal. The real measure of what kind of athlete I have become over the past year. One year ago I ran the Niagara Falls half and was totally overwhelmed. It was the first half I ran in over 3 years. I was nervous and anxious as hell. Yet, here I am pretty calm and relaxed while I prepare to toe up to not the half but the full marathon this year. (Am I even allowed to use the term "toe up" if I'm not an elite runner?)

I am officially into the taper zone. The mileage is coming down as the resting goes up. Well mostly down. I still plan to run 10k 3 mornings this week but that has become my routine and I look forward to it. Next weekend will be the first weekend where my LSD run is going to be under 20km. And the last 7 days before the marathon, there will be virtually no kilometres. *GASP*

I have had every opportunity to push my body to it's limits. Push my mind to it's limits. All those weeks of long training runs. Practising with fueling, recovering, podcasts/music....OMG the list is so long.

If I haven't figured out how to do it now, I never will.

No D Day

2011-10-07T08:31:00.001-04:00

No D Day was introduced by George over at Ninjabetic.

George says,

"No D-Day is a day when our online interactions avoid diabetes completely. Twitter, Blogs, Facebook, MySpace (lol), and anything else you can think of. Not a peep about that dumb disease. For one day.

The goal is to talk about different parts of our lives. Our hobbies, loves, talents, whatever! Every person I have ever met from the DOC is awesome because of who they are, not because of the disease that brought us together. We are more than a disease!"

Last year I wrote about my love for camping. Over the past year of blogging I've exposed myself on many levels. You know all too well about my running and sports and pooping in the bush. You can probably tell I'm a half-assed amateur photographer with a love of photographing people. You know I draft and design for a living as an Architectural Technologist. What can I write about that would be interesting enough to keep you awake and yet not something you already know?

So I've come up with something near and dear to me.

MY FAMILY!

Back row: Bro-in-law, Brother (with the sunglasses)

Front row: Me, Sister, Mum, Nephew, Niece, Dad

I don't have a large one and I have no grandparents left so I really only want to talk about my immediate family. There are 5 of us. 3 kids. My sister is 2.5 years older than me and my brother is 2.5 years younger than me. That makes me a VERY middle child. We are an oddball of a bunch and yet we are all very similar. Mum and Sis are super short. Dad, well he's just plain normal short. I was the tallest in the family until my bro came along and sprouted up to almost 6feet. We all have strikingly blue eyes (thanks mum 'n dad for that)

My dad was born in England and the reason I have UK citizenship. He was a highly loved and adored high school math teacher for his entire career. I should have been better at math but I'm just "okay". He has an intense wealth of useless facts and jokes that we've heard a zillion times before and he's a Jeopardy super star. You can always count on him to sing a song for just about everything on the planet. He has a love for Harley Davidsons, newspapers, tea and toast. You've read about how I got my running genes from him but his marathon days are long since over.

My mum was born here in Canada but her side of the family also came from England so we are Brit through and through. She was some sort of high powered insurance company manager of which I still, to this day, don't understand the entirety of her career. Since retiring, she's turned into this massive home renovating machine (and she's GOOD at it). She is known as the "voice of reason" and the "knower of truths." Very smart, very down to earth, very much a realist. She likes porch swings and black belt Sudoku puzzles. Oh and power tools.

My sister is the oldest so she knows the most. We call her "Scully 1". She and her husband have two kidlets of whom I talk about occasionally here. She is one of the more patient Scullys in many ways I've noticed recently. Perhaps because she had to deal with two younger siblings. She wasn't always the most patient one. I have to watch what I write here! hee hee. Lately it's hard to know what she likes as she has been a full-time mom which means nothing is about her (shame). She DOES like Diet Coke though and is the only Scully that doesn't drink coffee.

My brother is the youngest. Sometimes I feel sorry for him for having to grow up with two older sisters. But then I remember how awesome his older sisters are and that thought quickly fades. He works with my bro-in-law with petroleum and gas equipment. He plays some mean guitar and can also longboard. He's hard to nail down as he's always on the go. He rides motorcycles too - another gene passed down from dad.

I LOVE my family in a super major way. I'm thankful every day for them. I appreciate having a family I get along with and trust. I love that we can spend 24/7 together for an entire week while on vacation and never get sick of each other. We are all very supportive and understanding and rarely go a weekend without hanging out to some degree. When we are all in a room together though, it can get pretty rowdy. The Scullys can be an obnoxiously loud bunch of fools but I wouldn't have it any other way.

To see a blogroll of the No D Day participants, go HERE.

en route home to a modest run

2011-10-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

Wow. Okay. So I wrote this on Sunday. Suddenly now I don't really feel like posting it because it is such old news. However there is a bit of good news in there too so posting I will do.

If you remember where we left off in the returning home saga, I had caught the awful stomach bug that my family was so lovingly sharing on vacation.

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The first day of driving home was AWFUL for me.

I woke up that morning to a head full of fog. I had been taking Gravol all night to settle the nausea which left me feeling like my brain was completely disconnected from my body. It was better than nausea though even if I couldn't string a sentence together or find my toothbrush.

Coffee was out of the question. I had a few sips of plain black coffee and it tasted like some sort of inanimate thing that shouldn't be going in my mouth. Damn. Body was obviously still sick and coffee was a bad idea. I stayed curled up under a blanket in the back seat of my parents SUV rolling around in and out of consciousness. I slept on and off in between fits of nausea and discomfort. Every once in awhile I'd feel good and get excited but it would never last long. I didn't eat all day with the exception of a few handfuls of salty potato chips. I sipped diet sodas all day. By the evening we put up in a shitty motel (where else?) and I fell into another evening daze of Gravol and nausea and screaming in my sleep. That stuff gives me messed up dreams even more messed up than the usual messed up.

Guess what though? The morning of day 2 of driving I had coffee. OH DELICIOUS COFFEE!! I was happy. If I am drinking coffee than ALL is well! I finally started eating about half way through the day. This was Saturday. The following day was THE ONLY day I would have left to run the longest training run of 35k before the marathon. Exactly 3 weeks out. I had the rest of that Saturday to hydrate and eat during our drive home. I had a feeling 35k wouldn't be in my future but that wasn't going to stop me from doing my best.

I know better to listen to my body. I had just finished fighting a stomach bug. I hadn't eaten in 2 days much less been able to hydrate much. What's worse? The weather for Sunday was calling for cold, damp, rainy and windy. I stopped at my two drop spots to stash water and food along my long run route on my way home. What is normally a pretty calm Lake Ontario was in a brown mucky fury. The wind was INSANE and the waves were fierce. Sunday morning I drove out to my starting spot. There was literally nobody out. I took one look at the lake-of-insane and immediately knew it wasn't happening there. I didn't even have the patience to get out and snap a picture of the furious lake for you folks which I'm kind of bummed about. I don't run at this spot during the colder months because of the cold wind coming off the lake but I didn't think it had come to that already in the season. I didn't even get out of my car before heading for plan B.

I stopped at a grocery store to buy more water and bananas since I had already stashed some along that previous route but wasn't prepared to drive all that way to pick them up. I was on a -70% temp basal for an hour already. I didn't have any time to spare. If I wasted too much time I would be fighting awful highs. I needed to start running soon.

I went to my long time backup route. The place where I normally do all my long runs in the winter months. It's about an 8km out and back (total). I think in the end this was a better decision anyway since I would always be close to my car and I didn't know how my body would react to the exercise. I ran 20km. Not even close to the 35 but to be honest I was aiming more for 30 instead. My legs felt great and so did my lungs. The weather however, begged to differ. I avoided the rain until about 18km. The wind picked up, the rain started and my tummy was a little indecisive as to what it wanted to do. It felt extra cavernous even though I had a decent breakfast. After a few days of not eating, I wasn't surprised. I was getting mighty cold also. I took that as a sign that 20km would be it. I'm glad I stopped even though I felt I could have done more. I just felt like I was starting the run on empty to begin with, if I pushed it, I would probably hurt myself. It still took me forever to warm up after. Many hours sitting on the couch wrapped up in blankets after a hot hot shower.

So... 3 weeks until the marathon. HOLY SHIT! My longest training run took me 32km and that feels like a LONG time ago. I won't reach the 35 now that the taper begins. There are just no more days!

Here we go folks. Lots of thoughts to be had and shared over the next 3 weeks I'm sure.

Guest Post for a FRIEND

2011-10-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this regular scheduled programming.

I have a friend.

Her name is Sysy and she writes one of my favourite blogs, "The Girl's Guide to Diabetes"

I have become quite close with this friend and I truly look up to her for inspiration and education regarding diabetes and health. She has helped me through some rough times and I hope I've been there to listen to some of hers. I know that if we lived closer to each other we might be BFF's.

One day while reading one of my sordid repetitive posts about running and diabetes she realized that I, too, started at the beginning. I wasn't born into running shoes. I've had some success over the years and Sysy wanted to tap into my knowledge.

I wrote a guest post over at her blog.

It's called An Intro to Running with Diabetes. It took me a very long time to write because I kept finding myself going into too much detail. I had to keep reminding myself of that simple thing she said to me, "Imagine yourself when you started running and what kind of info would have helped you."

There you have it. An attempt at helping more diabetics (and non diabetics too) lace up some runners and take on the challenge.

Please go read my post and feel free to tell me where I went wrong and what I missed! I know, I'm so self conscious and I doubt myself a lot.

Thanks Sysy for having more faith in my knowledge than I have in myself!

Vacations, Stress, Sick and Amazing People

2011-10-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

Vacations.

I love them. Who doesn't?

The past 3 years we have taken family vacations down to Myrtle Beach. An old childhood favourite of ours and now that I have a niece and nephew, going to the beach has a whole new meaning to it.

I always look forward to morning runs on the beach. I get up and sit in front of my window until the sun starts to rise and then I hit the beach. I wear my running shoes because barefoot running freaks me out, even on the beach. I have to go a bit slower due to the sand, heat and high humidity. Though I do love sleeping in sometimes, the best part about vacation is the opportunity to go beach running because it's something I don't get at home. Oh and watching the sunrise over the ocean.

2 days into my holidays and I realized I had been struggling something fierce to keep my blood sugars up. It felt like I was always taking too much insulin and constantly having to consume carbs soon after eating. All day every day. I couldn't figure it out at first and then it hit me. Stress.

The complete LACK of it to be exact.

I had to half my bolus amounts and eat more. I still needed snacks that I didn't have to bolus for. I would even nibble throughout the day and my blood sugars almost never rose above 7mmol/l. It's not like I was particularly active in fact I'd say just the opposite. Spending large portions of the days vegged out in my beach chair with the only physical movement of my toes playing in the sand.

Who drinks hot coffee on the beach? THIS girl.

Stress is an evil beast. I have a lot of stress in my life like a lot of people. I have heavy emotional stress, money stress, work stress. On top of the stress, my biggest problem is not being able to deal with it. If I could ease it somehow I think I would be a little less high strung. And after a week of having near perfect blood sugar (as well as going through an entire bottle of glucose tablets) I know that stress is the culprit.

How do I ease stress in my everyday life? Could I have beauty blood sugars if I took away the stress? Imagine how healthy I could be!

Yeah okay not exactly a lot of pictures of me because I am the picture taker usually. But here, this proves that I can wiggle and have fun too sometimes. I am showing off my new bathing suit. One that actually contains the girls. My family got tired of pointing out my exposed nips. I really did just say that.

On the topic of lots of lows I did have one. ONE major bad low. I was gallivanting in the ocean just playing around on the boogie board. My mum was sitting in the sand at the shore. Within about half a nanosecond my whole world changed. Holy fuck, I was all of a sudden super low. I plodded out of the water, dropped the board and stumbled to my beach chair. I had one of those Dex4 emergency 4-tablet holders. Naturally I fumbled trying to test my blood sugar first. Why do we always do that? AGH!! We know when we are low. Just eat the fucking glucose already.

It took me 3 test strips and I actually don't remember what my meter said. The sunlight, the USB meter, the low. Mum came and sat down and noticed what was wrong. I was slumped, head in hands waiting for glucose to hit. It wasn't hitting fast enough and I was sweating and shaking. "I need more" was all I could mutter out of my numb lips. She reached into the bag and handed me an apple squeezy. Something we carry for the kids. I sucked it back and waited some more. I felt very close to passing out. It was really horrible, I won't lie. The rest of the week I took less insulin to avoid that again.

Towards the end the family shared a stomach bug. First my bro-in-law who passed it onto my niece. The poor girl she is a couple months shy of 3 years old and was the sickest she's been in her entire life. I wished that someone would come and take it away from her. How could her little body handle all that turmoil? The last day it started hitting me half way through the day as I was doing what I do best, sitting in my beach chair half asleep doing crosswords. The day got progressively worse and by the time we sat down for dinner at the most insanely overwhelming restaurant possible I knew I was done for. Two bites of my salad and it didn't taste like food. It was just something that didn't belong in my mouth - my body's way of saying "don't do it".

That night was a bit of a blur. Because I have such a strong fear of vomit I made friends with Gravol. Gravol is like the Canadian version of Dramamine I think. All I know is that it knocks me the fuck out. I had to do something I've never had to do before. Ask for help. How would I test my blood sugars if I'm lost in the land of Gravol? My mother, my dear mother was there the whole way. She came in and helped wake me up every couple hours so I could test. She even looked at the number and helped me determine that everything was okay. I've never had to ask for help like that.

We were to be loading up the cars in the morning and making the long trek home and I was NOT looking forward to that. That evening as I laid in bed with my laptop it felt like my world was just turning to hell. I felt that bad. I asked for help online. I needed to talk to someone. You know what? I owe quite a bit to a couple ladies. "The Mascara Fairy" who helped talk me out of a dark place. Few people know who I am referring to. This woman is magical though and encouraged me over and over to "just smile". I don't think she knows how inspiring she is. Thank you Fairy.

Another beautiful person who came to my rescue when I asked for help both with my sanity and with being sick with diabetes was Alexis from Justice's Misbehaving Pancreas. I think this woman rocks the world. You'd think I'd know about how to handle high blood sugars, ketones and a stomach bug. I don't really. I always thought that if you show ketones and high BG that the goal is to get the BG down with insulin and the ketones will go away. Not so much when there is a virus at bay. Ketones when sick are different from the ketones you can have as a result from only high blood sugar. I learned you can be low with ketones. I learned this because I experienced this over the next day and a half. Thanks to that wonderful woman for teaching me something I should have already known. Thank you Alexis from the bottom of my broken pancreas.

I just noticed all the bad stuff I have been writing about here. It wasn't all bad. In fact most of it was fan-fucking-tastic. Here are a couple adorable pictures:

My wonderful sis with my niece and nephew.

Grandma and nephew having "a moment" together

One of those pictures that you can look at everyday and will always make you smile.

Nice catch dude!

The beach is one of those places where I feel completely at peace. I LOVE the beach.

Birdies

I love that he's pinching his nipples! Such a boy!

Next post? Making it home and working with what I had in an attempt to get that last long run in before the race.